I joked that I was the problem in all my past flings, saying I didn’t believe in a marriage held together by sterling rings. This was supposed to keep you at bay, so I could keep loving you from an arm's length away. We walked to the corner of Anderson and Erwin, your bike alongside us, going at a lazy spin. “I’ve been falling in love with you”, your eyes on mine, brown and blue. I’ll cherish that moment forever, even now as I am planning our sever. No one is to blame; you did nothing wrong. I just can’t keep hurting myself the same.
Growing up, Mama tried; she didn’t know when she promised me love and peace that she had lied. On her bad days, she was a force that I feared; she taught me early when to disappear. I swore to myself that I would learn to love different, that I wasn’t broken, but bent. So with you, I communicated, I learned to give the hugs that Mama had hated. I focused so much on doing everything right that I didn’t notice your need for flight. A few days, then a week, I texted, I called, you hid, and I tried to seek. “Don’t worry, it’s nothing to do with us”, and I felt silly for making a fuss.
Then you left again, leaving me a worrying mother hen. I don’t know if you also had a wire-doll of a mother, or if you’ve been overwhelmed by the drama with your brother. I don’t know how to help you from the other side of this door, but I know that you and I cannot be anymore. I need someone stable, who shows up, whose words are as trusted as a fable. I hope what you need finds you, be it a therapist or someone new. Funny how you held me for just a fraction of our lives, but I’ll remember you like bees remember hives. Warm and bright, inviting me in only to turn out the light. All I ask is when you tell me about your next love, please be curt, I don’t know if my happiness for you will outweigh my hurt.
True love never dies
Loyal souls never change
Don’t distort the beauty of fairy tales
Don’t blame it on life
Don’t blame it on you
Don’t fake your heart
‘Cause I won't do
Thought you were my angel
So I gave you my wings
Now you're ready to fly?
......
I gave you my all; my support, my love, my body, my time, my energy, my spirit, my home, my family, my money... we laughed a lot.
My love was challenged, my support criticised, my body broken, my time disrespected, my energy drained, my spirit crushed, my peace destroyed, my space taken over, my family alienated, my money squandered... but we laughed a lot.
I grew, I saw, I walked away... the laughter stopped.
Shocked and angry, you played the victim while I was accused... "coercive, controlling, denying your independence"! But I remembered laughter...?
I stood my ground, I grew, I healed.
My body mended, my energy returned my spirit revived... my life was mine, brighter and better than ever before! My lesson learned. Peace over laughter every time!
......
It all makes sense now
Those nights I deprived myself from sleep
Those days I wondered where and how
And those moments I combat with anxiety.
I lost count of the times I endured infidelity
But that isn't the only case I had to deal with
My vision was clear but I feel like I'm blinded
Too bad, ignoring all the clues became a habit.
......
I have breakup at eight tonight
It's in my calendar. Look!
From eight to nine tonight: an appointment
With the title: "Breakup". That's what it says.
At eight tonight
Is when she will end it.
She didn't say as much but I already know
Why we're getting together earlier than usual
What we'll be doing and
......
I joked that I was the problem in all my past flings, saying I didn’t believe in a marriage held together by sterling rings. This was supposed to keep you at bay, so I could keep loving you from an arm's length away. We walked to the corner of Anderson and Erwin, your bike alongside us, going at a lazy spin. “I’ve been falling in love with you”, your eyes on mine, brown and blue. I’ll cherish that moment forever, even now as I am planning our sever. No one is to blame; you did nothing wrong. I just can’t keep hurting myself the same.
Growing up, Mama tried; she didn’t know when she promised me love and peace that she had lied. On her bad days, she was a force that I feared; she taught me early when to disappear. I swore to myself that I would learn to love different, that I wasn’t broken, but bent. So with you, I communicated, I learned to give the hugs that Mama had hated. I focused so much on doing everything right that I didn’t notice your need for flight. A few days, then a week, I texted, I called, you hid, and I tried to seek. “Don’t worry, it’s nothing to do with us”, and I felt silly for making a fuss.
Then you left again, leaving me a worrying mother hen. I don’t know if you also had a wire-doll of a mother, or if you’ve been overwhelmed by the drama with your brother. I don’t know how to help you from the other side of this door, but I know that you and I cannot be anymore. I need someone stable, who shows up, whose words are as trusted as a fable. I hope what you need finds you, be it a therapist or someone new. Funny how you held me for just a fraction of our lives, but I’ll remember you like bees remember hives. Warm and bright, inviting me in only to turn out the light. All I ask is when you tell me about your next love, please be curt, I don’t know if my happiness for you will outweigh my hurt.
The place we used to go
To sit, drink, and talk
text me a deal
I nearly burst into tears
I haven't been to that place
Since you left
It's where we would spend hours
Talking about books art
They never minded
For we spent like a hundred dollars
......
I gave you my all; my support, my love, my body, my time, my energy, my spirit, my home, my family, my money... we laughed a lot.
My love was challenged, my support criticised, my body broken, my time disrespected, my energy drained, my spirit crushed, my peace destroyed, my space taken over, my family alienated, my money squandered... but we laughed a lot.
I grew, I saw, I walked away... the laughter stopped.
Shocked and angry, you played the victim while I was accused... "coercive, controlling, denying your independence"! But I remembered laughter...?
I stood my ground, I grew, I healed.
My body mended, my energy returned my spirit revived... my life was mine, brighter and better than ever before! My lesson learned. Peace over laughter every time!
......
Onder die groen doringboom
het ek jou vir die eerste keer gesien.
Jy het daar gestaan
soos iets wat reeds lank aan my bekend was,
'n herinnering wat nog nie gebeur het nie.
Die son het tussen die dorings geval,
lig op jou hare,
skadu's op jou wange.
......
Act 1: Reckoning
Vinyl burns February skin.
A sticky valentine.
Handprint heat echoes
on cracked windows.
Your breath--
half prayer,
half epitaph.
Demons of the night
Dressed like angels,
......