1)
For who i used to be
I've been fine
Now i'm used to be
I'll be fine
Now i'm used to me
I've been mine
There is still some stress left
It gets me
......
I heard what matters,
Occupies some space.
Never knew marks
Would join the race.
The race, again, begun at three,
With atoms and molecules bending their knees.
While dreams sat quiet in the back,
Graded, weighed, and trimmed to track.
Everyone wondered,
Why marks was here?
......
At the time, I hated you for it,
and I’m sorry because you didn’t deserve that.
At the time, we fought about it,
and I’m sorry because you were only helping.
Back then, we stopped talking,
and I’m sorry because you were right.
Back then, I couldn’t look you in the eyes,
and I’m sorry because I still can’t.
I used to love you,
and I’m sorry because I stopped.
......
Those brown eyes shine better than pools of honey in the sun,
That brown hair flows better than grass flowing on a windy day,
That voice which seems to be even deeper than the ocean,
That laughter that's music to my ears,
No longer feel the same.
I miss the twinkle in your eyes
I miss the happiness in your voice
I miss that smile on your face
I miss sitting next to you
......
In the sense of the night
we are consumed by the light
With the whole fight on
we are on the frights tonight
I heard what matters,
Occupies some space.
Never knew marks
Would join the race.
The race, again, begun at three,
With atoms and molecules bending their knees.
While dreams sat quiet in the back,
Graded, weighed, and trimmed to track.
Everyone wondered,
Why marks was here?
......
From the outside, I looked great:
honors student and self-taught musician,
college bound, made for success.
”Athletic and academic” they said.
On the outside, I looked great.
But if you looked any deeper than my high school transcript,
you would find disorders and medications,
turmoil, self-hatred.
Who was I without excellence?
Every A+ solidified my fear:
......
The things about drugs
is at first
you get high.
You never want to come down,
and then you do.
And maybe you didn’t love it at first,
but you start to chase
those 10 seconds of buoyancy,
that minute of relief,
those 10 minutes of anticipation,
......
From age 8, risky behavior was my best friend.
It started with cutting my wrists,
not for death but for the sensation.
It was like my brain took too long to register
the pain that I felt, so long that I sometimes didn’t feel it.
At age 11, I got drunk for the first time.
Felt a little silly, a little lighter. Everything made me laugh just a little harder.
At 11, I gave myself a tattoo. The burning sensation of a too dull needle
and not skin safe ink made me feel
ALIVE.
......
They say cracks let the light in
but really they just let the blood out.
My luck with life is bad
but I remained unshattered.
Unloved was my natural state after all.
Everything made me hate myself,
loathing everything I did
because I wasn’t good enough.
I never made the A team
and my A’s should’ve been A+’s
......