Imagine
The charcoal-with-sap-glitter,
Obsidian glass-domed,
gold sprinkled, dew shimmered,
elusively mountainous night sky;
With the porcelain and mother-of-pearl,
dragonfly wing, china-and-talc,
silvery, glowing moon hung on it.
A milk-gilded veil of clouds
......
Lamplight through pinholes
painting perfect pictures presently
along the warm cedar planks.
Shimmering sap shining silently
bringing it to life.
The shingle roof
tacked together by tiny tin
nails that sing under the faithful drumming of
melancholy clouds.
Wandering wordlessly in windy wooshes
......
I wish it had happened at a better time...
Maybe it would have gone in a better direction, maybe not.
The yellow of the bus, the brown of the sand, and the blue of the water & sky,
All hold memories of moments
I never knew would end so soon...
The classroom, full of chairs and tables where we sat every day,
hold memories I never knew would exist one day...
Walking into that place every day, knowing it's not the same anymore, is hard.
All those memories keep coming back in a flash.
......
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From the outside, I looked great:
honors student and self-taught musician,
college bound, made for success.
”Athletic and academic” they said.
On the outside, I looked great.
But if you looked any deeper than my high school transcript,
you would find disorders and medications,
turmoil, self-hatred.
Who was I without excellence?
Every A+ solidified my fear:
......
I heard what matters,
Occupies some space.
Never knew marks
Would join the race.
The race, again, begun at three,
With atoms and molecules bending their knees.
While dreams sat quiet in the back,
Graded, weighed, and trimmed to track.
Everyone wondered,
Why marks was here?
......
From the outside, I looked great:
honors student and self-taught musician,
college bound, made for success.
”Athletic and academic” they said.
On the outside, I looked great.
But if you looked any deeper than my high school transcript,
you would find disorders and medications,
turmoil, self-hatred.
Who was I without excellence?
Every A+ solidified my fear:
......
The things about drugs
is at first
you get high.
You never want to come down,
and then you do.
And maybe you didn’t love it at first,
but you start to chase
those 10 seconds of buoyancy,
that minute of relief,
those 10 minutes of anticipation,
......
From age 8, risky behavior was my best friend.
It started with cutting my wrists,
not for death but for the sensation.
It was like my brain took too long to register
the pain that I felt, so long that I sometimes didn’t feel it.
At age 11, I got drunk for the first time.
Felt a little silly, a little lighter. Everything made me laugh just a little harder.
At 11, I gave myself a tattoo. The burning sensation of a too dull needle
and not skin safe ink made me feel
ALIVE.
......
They say cracks let the light in
but really they just let the blood out.
My luck with life is bad
but I remained unshattered.
Unloved was my natural state after all.
Everything made me hate myself,
loathing everything I did
because I wasn’t good enough.
I never made the A team
and my A’s should’ve been A+’s
......