From the outside, I looked great:
honors student and self-taught musician,
college bound, made for success.
”Athletic and academic” they said.
On the outside, I looked great.
But if you looked any deeper than my high school transcript,
you would find disorders and medications,
turmoil, self-hatred.
Who was I without excellence?
Every A+ solidified my fear:
I was only good for being smart.
While they were fawning over appearances,
I was drowning in my own success.
Every good grade and ”well done”
only made me feel worse.
Who would I ever be without my intelligence?
No one jumped in to save me
because my lowest point was their dream.
They wanted good grades,
but I wanted sanity.
Intelligence and mental illness have a correlation,
but if I have to give up happiness to not have to study,
I don’t want it.
I was drowning in a pool of my accomplishments,
report cards, medals, ribbons, trophies,
I was done.
How do I realize that I am more than my brain?