My dad was a police officer...
He took a vow to faithfully serve...
He protected our friends and neighbors...
A man of courage and strong nerve...
He left for work one morning...
As he did most everyday...
He said “Mind your mother...”
It was just his normal way...
......
The changing of happiness to a deepened sorrow...
Living today as if there’s no more tomorrow...
Offering reflections of my deep depression...
Being a parent as a mere concession... but I’ll endure...
The daily phone calls and letters that never arrive...
As if my children no longer feel that I’m still alive...
Did I abandon them as I constantly blame myself... am I at fault...
Take me back in my thoughts
......
I remember back in 2007 when my younger sister Madeleine was dying from cancer. I got down on my knees and I prayed as hard as I’ve ever prayed before to God. I asked God to please spare my sister. I asked Him to not let her die of this dreadful disease that was ravishing her body.
I remember praying and crying as hard as I ever had in my entire life. I remember being on the floor of my bathroom in almost a fetal position. I cried uncontrollably for what seemed like hours. I cried and I prayed. It was one of the most vulnerable times that I ever experienced.
I begged God for His mercy.
While I was praying, I came up with the idea of making a deal with God. The deal was that I would write the largest check I had ever written as a donation to the American Cancer Society if He would only let her live. I thought to myself that if I made this large monetary offering to an organization that was doing so much good for so many suffering people, that I might receive a special blessing from Him in the form of this simple request to save her life.
Madeleine died shortly there after, on June 24, 2007.
I remember exactly what I was doing on the night the call came in. I was having dinner at the Stamford Yacht Club with my friends, Danial and his wife Adrienne. I remember boasting to them, after a few double vodka martinis, that if I wanted to put in the word in the various subcommittees, that I could very easily become the commodore of the Club, even though I had never once served as a subcommittee chairman or, for that matter, never even served in any of the subcommittees.
The call came in during dinner from my Mom on my Blackberry mobile phone. Mom said to fly home in the morning.
When I hung up, I said with a straight face and calm voice that my little sister, Madeleine, had just died. Danny and Adrienne both looked at me in complete shock. I just tried as hard as I could to maintain my composure, and take a gulp of my martini. I calmly told them that she had bravely fought a valiant seven year battle and that we expected her to lose, and that I would not allow myself to be upset, as a tribute to Madeleine’s effort.
I don’t actually remember going to the airport the next morning, but I do remember my best friend, Bill, picking me up at the airport in New Orleans. I remember Bill telling me that I had to pull myself together because Madeleine had already planned her entire funeral, in advance, and I was to be speaking in front of everyone in Holy Name of Jesus Church. The funeral was a complete blur to me.
A few months earlier, I remembered asking Madeline if there was anything I could do for her to make her feel better and more comfortable. She looked me straight in the face and said “Jeff, I would be very happy if you would quit drinking.”
......
My father passed away a few years ago... we knew the time would eventually come... it was a moment we both had planned for... a close relationship ours had truly become...
We spent the last few years... recognizing our love for one another... it was truly a special gift from God... to have this time to spend with each other...
We laughed at all the yelling... and all the punches that we threw... we cherished our fun times together... and winked at the secrets that only we knew...
De was never an Atticus Finch... or a perfect dad by any mean... but he was the best dad a guy like me could ever want... I was so proud of my Marine...
And now he’s off to Heaven... to join Madeleine and all the others... to watch over Granne and our family... to watch over the grandchildren, Stephanie and my brothers...
......
I never should have expected you to stay
When I was the one that left first
That is an unreasonable
And unfair
Request for me to make
But you also never should have expected me
To abide by your commands
When those very same commands made me a cynic
......
My father once told me
He wanted to kill himself.
You cannot say those words
And believe that I wouldn't, believe
It was me.
Further, you're forgiven,
But I'll condemn you for the words that hurt Sissy
I didn't bat an eye,
I didn't move a muscle,
......
I never should have expected you to stay
When I was the one that left first
That is an unreasonable
And unfair
Request for me to make
But you also never should have expected me
To abide by your commands
When those very same commands made me a cynic
......
Running while I best abdicate,
Can’t let you dictate the rest.
Family familiar, failing foundling.
Wills and wells, halls and hells.
Walls and falls.
All’s well when whiles’ done.
My son, my son, Babylon.
I remember back in 2007 when my younger sister Madeleine was dying from cancer. I got down on my knees and I prayed as hard as I’ve ever prayed before to God. I asked God to please spare my sister. I asked Him to not let her die of this dreadful disease that was ravishing her body.
I remember praying and crying as hard as I ever had in my entire life. I remember being on the floor of my bathroom in almost a fetal position. I cried uncontrollably for what seemed like hours. I cried and I prayed. It was one of the most vulnerable times that I ever experienced.
I begged God for His mercy.
While I was praying, I came up with the idea of making a deal with God. The deal was that I would write the largest check I had ever written as a donation to the American Cancer Society if He would only let her live. I thought to myself that if I made this large monetary offering to an organization that was doing so much good for so many suffering people, that I might receive a special blessing from Him in the form of this simple request to save her life.
Madeleine died shortly there after, on June 24, 2007.
I remember exactly what I was doing on the night the call came in. I was having dinner at the Stamford Yacht Club with my friends, Danial and his wife Adrienne. I remember boasting to them, after a few double vodka martinis, that if I wanted to put in the word in the various subcommittees, that I could very easily become the commodore of the Club, even though I had never once served as a subcommittee chairman or, for that matter, never even served in any of the subcommittees.
The call came in during dinner from my Mom on my Blackberry mobile phone. Mom said to fly home in the morning.
When I hung up, I said with a straight face and calm voice that my little sister, Madeleine, had just died. Danny and Adrienne both looked at me in complete shock. I just tried as hard as I could to maintain my composure, and take a gulp of my martini. I calmly told them that she had bravely fought a valiant seven year battle and that we expected her to lose, and that I would not allow myself to be upset, as a tribute to Madeleine’s effort.
I don’t actually remember going to the airport the next morning, but I do remember my best friend, Bill, picking me up at the airport in New Orleans. I remember Bill telling me that I had to pull myself together because Madeleine had already planned her entire funeral, in advance, and I was to be speaking in front of everyone in Holy Name of Jesus Church. The funeral was a complete blur to me.
A few months earlier, I remembered asking Madeline if there was anything I could do for her to make her feel better and more comfortable. She looked me straight in the face and said “Jeff, I would be very happy if you would quit drinking.”
......
The changing of happiness to a deepened sorrow...
Living today as if there’s no more tomorrow...
Offering reflections of my deep depression...
Being a parent as a mere concession... but I’ll endure...
The daily phone calls and letters that never arrive...
As if my children no longer feel that I’m still alive...
Did I abandon them as I constantly blame myself... am I at fault...
Take me back in my thoughts
......