Brady Stewart

August 8th, 2002 - Pontiac Michigan
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Deer for Each Headlight

My father once told me
He wanted to kill himself.
You cannot say those words
And believe that I wouldn't, believe
It was me.
Further, you're forgiven,
But I'll condemn you for the words that hurt Sissy

I didn't bat an eye,
I didn't move a muscle,
But a piece of me departed,
Said goodbye,
It couldn't reside in a lie,
A part of me died inside.

I remember smiling.
My teeth dredging lines in
The gospel of my incomprehensible life,
Because if they ever did,
Baseless reassurance kept me alive-
Should I have lived?

Maybe my Father's mind shared likeness with mine,
No matter how frozen I've been by time,
He should know I'll always regret
The parts of him that hate themselves.
But maybe,
If I am motionless,
Deer in the headlights,
I could believe I am loved for all I am.

To this day,
I have wanted to strike a conversation,
Not a tutorial but conservation,
Of his love for newborn Brady.
But most deer are too shocked to speak
Baby wept but was swept away by shackles,
Thus I meander in an unknown world,
Waiting for you to hold me.

Ryan,
If I am paralyzed
By the impact of your injured reality,
I only ask you hold my hand.

Father,
If paralysis meant our minds could simulcast,
If I could relive your past,
I would sacrifice most of myself.
If my eternity found you boundless,
I would sacrifice all of myself.

We are a deer for each headlight.
I'll be still, I'll still be
Awaiting the impact
Of you
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