I’ve been dead for years.
Ever since that night.
When the boy I was meant to be was slaughtered.
The boy I was before my trauma.
Before my pain.
Now I am a puppet.
Masquerading as a man.
Controlled by the strings of fear.
Forever tainted by my pain.
Forced to look through the lens of my past.
......
I looked into the mirror,
And what I saw looking back,
Was the breaking of a girl,
Her face began to crack.
Her eyes drenched with sorrow,
Her hair a tangled mess,
Her body anxiously shaking,
Wearing a ripped dress.
......
There once was a woman tamed with internal toil
Guarded and gutted, lost and forgotten
Her heart brimmed with passion for the broods she bore
Yet the stagnant air wept at the musty wooden door
No longer rising by the sun’s sail
Her heavy limbs silently seeped toward the floor
Too weary to feel too numb to mourn
The degree of fear she’s felt within was no flaw
......
What would thou think of me tying rope to the tree?
With every strike mine own sword stabs back at me.
Perhaps I will let mine enemy pierce me,
For I can go on no longer.
Each day I sharpen and shine my blade.
And each day in its reflection I see myself fade.
If only the Fades could snip mine tarnished thread
And leave me strewn among the field with the other soldiers lying dead.
I look to the heavens; may He guide me.
......
Proverbs 13:24
He stares at his feet so
he doesn’t see the belt
In his father’s grip.
Over dinner, he’d spoken up,
Or out,
Or back,
The exact angle or fact of the offense
......
That feeling of numbness never seems to depart from me
Every time I think I’ve gotten better
Every time I think I’ve overcome
Then it appears, piercing through my bones
Reminding me that it’ll always be there
I can never depart from it
And through I try time and time again to feel again
Feel something
Feel something old
I can never fully feel anything anymore
......
I’ve been dead for years.
Ever since that night.
When the boy I was meant to be was slaughtered.
The boy I was before my trauma.
Before my pain.
Now I am a puppet.
Masquerading as a man.
Controlled by the strings of fear.
Forever tainted by my pain.
Forced to look through the lens of my past.
......
no blood dried wasn't drawn
no lover forgotten hasn't gone
no thing unsaid has left my head
from "i love you" to "i'd love to be dead"
ever since that night
i have always wondered, was it my fault?
was it my fault that you touched me?
was it my fault that I have panic attacks now?
was it my fault that nobody believed me?
was it my fault that i get made of it now?
was it my fault that my own parents can't look at me the same?
was it my fault that i just freezed up and couldn't tell you no?
was it my fault that there's zero proof?
was it my fault?
......
What would thou think of me tying rope to the tree?
With every strike mine own sword stabs back at me.
Perhaps I will let mine enemy pierce me,
For I can go on no longer.
Each day I sharpen and shine my blade.
And each day in its reflection I see myself fade.
If only the Fades could snip mine tarnished thread
And leave me strewn among the field with the other soldiers lying dead.
I look to the heavens; may He guide me.
......