So this is the first time I've confessed being gay
I guess I never thought I would write that
I thought that if I hide and suppress this
That it would magically go away,
That like they all say, it was just a phase
But here I am a decade later still liking girls
I have been in the closet for so long,
I've never told a soul, the secrecy
And skeletons that lay in my closet
......
It's crazy how
sadness is painful.
As I'm feeling it now,
It's more than just my soul.
Did I do this to myself?
Are you the cause?
Could it be something else?
Or nothing at all?
......
L esbian
G ay
B isexual
T ransgender
Q ueer
I'm a part of this community!
I say I'm Bisexual but I honestly have no clue.
I might be a lesbian but that may not be true.
Pansexual? Something I threw on the table I know.
......
It's not the hate that bothers me.
Hate existed before me and will only die by God's hand.
It's the lack of explanation, the unanswered why.
Adam was created but because Eve was also created
we can only have one pairing in all of the world.
Trivial and unimaginative.
Not the God I know.
Not the God who created the aardvark
and creation itself and inspiration and whose existence imagined the Pietà.
The weird and the weak and the strong and the unstable.
......
I'm crumpling inside
but there's no reason for me to be.
I need YOU to be mad at me
so I'm no longer stuck.
I've pinned myself to a wall.
A wall of guilt.
A wall of pain and hurt.
A wall of self-hatred.
......
Eyes fixed on me
Why are they staring?
I turn to the mirror,
Gazing at my reflection,
My heart fills with fear,
The truth becomes clear.
I sense their judgment, their pity,
In a body not my own,
This life, a movie or reality?
......
It's not the hate that bothers me.
Hate existed before me and will only die by God's hand.
It's the lack of explanation, the unanswered why.
Adam was created but because Eve was also created
we can only have one pairing in all of the world.
Trivial and unimaginative.
Not the God I know.
Not the God who created the aardvark
and creation itself and inspiration and whose existence imagined the Pietà.
The weird and the weak and the strong and the unstable.
......
Not an inch of your cold estate will be left untouched by this lighter fluids fluid fingers it'll creep inside your bitter, biting bones and clean my very name from such an unworthy tongue. These searing fingers whom will be doused by your alligator tears no more, will replace my own and ignite every memory met more by wires then our own flesh. These links will burn brighter then Santa Monica, Ojai and riverside combined. They'll burn into oblivion, until such titillating details have lost their appeal. There will be nothing left in my wake but a course and unrefined lot of searing ash. Complimentary was once agreed yet the term has never been so clear. I see now your flesh has never matched my festering lesions no matter how metaphoric. I will never burn again.
-01/22/18
Our favourite game.
1. "I’Il never leave you" Physically or emotionally I couldn't quite figure out, yet another hook you left out, but I knew we'd be Paris and Juliet some day.
Unfortunately fate has a thing for romantics: see act 5
2. “Your fault for loving someone unavailable" I inevitably find myself in my confusion once more repeating to myself: no matter how breathtaking, larkspur still kill.
3. "I love you" Your lips always had a habit of curving and preening whenever you were burdened by the weight of your own ice. You could never comprehend tenderness in phrases- no matter how tongue and cheek you'd let powerful idioms slip out after your severed tongue. Believe what you want but everyone knows how full of fucking shit you are.
03/27/18
I'm crumpling inside
but there's no reason for me to be.
I need YOU to be mad at me
so I'm no longer stuck.
I've pinned myself to a wall.
A wall of guilt.
A wall of pain and hurt.
A wall of self-hatred.
......