Shay Grace

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Still In The Closet

So this is the first time I've confessed being gay
I guess I never thought I would write that
I thought that if I hide and suppress this
That it would magically go away,
That like they all say, it was just a phase

But here I am a decade later still liking girls
I have been in the closet for so long,
I've never told a soul, the secrecy
And skeletons that lay in my closet
They have become my dear old friends,
After long years trapped close together

I feel all alone and I feel great shame
I feel like I don't fit in, I've lost my way
I'll never be accepted, I don't belong
There comes great guilt carrying this secret
As it's safer tucked in dark closet corners

From all this confusion and me being scared
I feel in depression and I turned to self-harm
Then I tried to end my life from all this anguish
I hated myself, inside and out, and in total
Denial tried to prove to myself that I'm wrong
But no matter how much I say I like boys
That just doesn't work, I still fantasize about girls

I don't have a fun gay uncle that makes me laugh
Or a trans best friend who has my back
I've never met anyone that's not as straight as an arrow
Everyone I know fits the definition of perfect and normal
No one lives big, they live in the dark ancient past
They're intolerant, ignorant, stuck in their ways
There are only downsides to living in a small-minded town

And I can never tell my mother or my grandmother
All my life I've heard the homophobic slurs
Bounded with so much hatred from her lips
Once I saw her lecturing the clerk about God
Not accepting him for he was biologically a girl
How whenever a lesbian pops up on Tv
She curses, telling us we could no longer
Watch as it is sin to support that kind of behavior

I don't think that I could ever come out to the people I know
Once those words leave your lips they can't be taken back
But those words are the only words that speak the truth
And I bawl my eyes out and shake with tremors
At the simple thought of them finding out

Every morning I wake up feeling sick,
Feeling like the world might explode,
Sweaty palms, running tears, pounding hearts
Wanting to wear rainbow socks but placing
Them back in the closed closet draws,
Next to secret pride flags

After so long of keeping this secret,
I just want to scream it from the hilltops
Though I know that I will never have the courage
Or actually, go through with a flawless plan

All my life I've walked this thin tightrope
Trying to please the people in my life
I have changed myself, molding into
Standards, labels, and boxes that they have shoved me in
I hate that I hate myself and how I bow down to society
I'm tired of being anyone but myself

I feel so out of control, just like a raging fire
I'm done being this way, I'm done pretending
Tired of hiding, tired of lying,
Telling anything but the truth
But I'm glad I finally write one thing that is true
That I like girls and that I'm a lesbian
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