Humour Poems
Weather Forecast
by Nkwachukwu Ogbuagu
Said the TV’s weatherman,
a bright bloke on grey suit,
and with weeping eyeglasses,
“There’s probability of precipitation.
It’s going to rain from coast to coast.
Umbrellas, raincoats and rain boots
Are cheaper on Ebay.
Order from Amazon . . . galoshes and
calabashes...
It shall rain from Jerusalem to Jericho.
......
It was my turn to cook today
by Baramundi Roy
I hammered the steak ‘til it spread out wide
shrinking back again in the pan as it fried.
Along with the chips and red wine to please,
I added the onions, mushrooms and peas.
This was the secret to my meal's success
but it left kitchen in rather a mess!
A Little List of Greetings
by James V Daniels
Merry Christmas one and all, a time for joy and cheer. So I made this little list of greetings, would you like to hear?
Merry Christmas Saudi, for you we bring new weapons. We hope you will enjoy them when you fire them on Yemen.
Merry Christmas EU, for you we bring an agreement (by the end of March). And if none, we'll extend the transition period, though we have no right to ask.
Merry Christmas Schools, for you we bring more funding. Though not quite as much as potholes, which, we thought you would find touching.
Merry Christmas MI5 for you we bring much data. But if nothing to hide you have nothing to fear, so tell THAT to all the haters.
......
I'm a drifter
by Baramundi Roy
I have it in writing and it’s been confirmed.
It made no difference how much I squirmed.
The tests were done and the consultant decided
that I am a drifter and completely misguided.
I make no plans and just drift through life
which causes great stress to my lovely wife
who is a great planner and thinks ahead
and did not like what the consultant said.
Will I Remember My Name?
by Bevan Kirkland
When I mislaid my name
I took a really long walk
to the edge of infinity,
Searching for it
When I looked back
at the earth
You know,
they say it is round
But there lay a flat surface
......
Monday
by Nkwachukwu Ogbuagu
I dread Monday —
Unlike any other day.
Tumbling upon it — with eyes groggy,
And limbs bound tight with festive strings,
Accompanied by the foulest halitosis from a wayward breath,
With all the liquor and litter,
From the dizzying heights of the debauched weekend —
Reminds me of the journey from
Banterland to Queryland.
It was my turn to cook today
by Baramundi Roy
I hammered the steak ‘til it spread out wide
shrinking back again in the pan as it fried.
Along with the chips and red wine to please,
I added the onions, mushrooms and peas.
This was the secret to my meal's success
but it left kitchen in rather a mess!
My wife’s a good looker
by Baramundi Roy
My wife’s a good looker, she can spot anything.
No matter if it’s well hidden she’ll find the thing.
I look in the cupboard unable to see
and she comes along and points it out to me.
Then, out of nowhere it appears before my eyes.
I am sure it was hiding there in disguise.
She must have X-ray vision just like Superman;
I don’t know why she bothers with this old man.
I'm a drifter
by Baramundi Roy
I have it in writing and it’s been confirmed.
It made no difference how much I squirmed.
The tests were done and the consultant decided
that I am a drifter and completely misguided.
I make no plans and just drift through life
which causes great stress to my lovely wife
who is a great planner and thinks ahead
and did not like what the consultant said.
Creaky bed
by Baramundi Roy
Two creaky crocks slept upon a creaky bed
when 'Are you asleep my love?' One of them said.
Then rolled over she held him in her embrace
and he lay there gazing upon her lovely face.
They were aroused and passion started to soar
and that old bed began to creak even more.
Creak, creak, creak, the creaking rhythm increased
and it only stopped when their love making ceased.
