Though my mother was already two years dead
Dad kept her slippers warming by the gas,
put hot water bottles her side of the bed
and still went to renew her transport pass.
You couldn't just drop in. You had to phone.
He'd put you off an hour to give him time
to clear away her things and look alone
as though his still raw love were such a crime.
......
In these deep solitudes and awful cells,
Where heav'nly-pensive contemplation dwells,
And ever-musing melancholy reigns;
What means this tumult in a vestal's veins?
Why rove my thoughts beyond this last retreat?
Why feels my heart its long-forgotten heat?
Yet, yet I love!--From Abelard it came,
And Eloisa yet must kiss the name.
Dear fatal name! rest ever unreveal'd,
......
To climb these stairs again, bearing a tray,
Might be to find you pillowed with your books,
Your inventories listing gowns and frocks
As if preparing for a holiday.
Or, turning from the landing, I might find
My presence watched through your kaleidoscope,
A symmetry of husbands, each redesigned
In lovely forms of foresight, prayer and hope.
I climb these stairs a dozen times a day
And, by the open door, wait, looking in
......
When you lose someone you love,
Your life becomes strange,
The ground beneath you becomes fragile,
Your thoughts make your eyes unsure;
And some dead echo drags your voice down
Where words have no confidence
Your heart has grown heavy with loss;
And though this loss has wounded others too,
No one knows what has been taken from you
When the silence of absence deepens.
......
Millions of babies watching the skies
Bellies swollen, with big round eyes
On Jessore Road--long bamboo huts
Noplace to shit but sand channel ruts
Millions of fathers in rain
Millions of mothers in pain
Millions of brothers in woe
Millions of sisters nowhere to go
......
Am I blue or am I red?
am I bitter, am I upset?
Am I allowed even allowed to be red?
To be is to live.
Do they resent me for my resentment?
I feel nothing, I feel it all.
Emotions I am unable to describe, I draw them on the wall.
I bite my lip, I consume myself
I don’t see whatever it is they are seeing.
I am my only lover, but I hate me more than I love anything.
......
i had a dream about you,
before I knew.
it was short,
and so were you.
nothing has changed,
but I wish it had.
And I will think of you
with every cigarette,
just like I always have,
but probably not tomorrow
......
I walk in and you immediately mouth
“You look beautiful”
But you are the one that’s beautiful
My mustard yellow dress pales in comparison
To how you look in your bright yellow gown despite everything…
(Which reminds me of sunshine. You are my sunshine.
Your smile warms my heart and soothes the pain)
…but today they have you in green
......
Grief is an ocean,
Endless and vast,
It swallows you whole,
And the pain seems to last.
It crashes and tumbles,
And pulls you under,
You struggle and fight,
But it’s just getting stronger.
......
Grief, oh grief, you heavy weight,
A burden that no one can debate.
You come uninvited, unannounced,
And leave us feeling so deeply pounced.
You shake our world, turn it upside down,
And leave us feeling lost and bound.
Your presence lingers, like a dark cloud,
As we struggle to move on, feeling so cowed.
......