You missed it when you walked in,
The tiles in the bathroom that looked like an ogre,
That had captured my imagination as a child.
You missed that the bottom stair was harder,
The leak in the upstairs bathroom that was neglected and left to the care of a bowl,
Emptied weekly as if this chore was less than fixing it.
You missed the dent in the paint from the arguments,
Doors slammed haphazardly into walls,
The stain on the carpet from way back when,
......
I miss all the things.
the before things.
the untouched things.
the innocent things
that had no reason to fear the dark.
i miss the way i used to wake up
not scanning for danger
before my feet even hit the floor.
i miss how silence
......
I watched myself in the reflection of ashes,
a silhouette of everything I thought I was.
The person I used to be
naive, trusting, eager to give
smiled back,
a ghost of a life I no longer recognize.
I thought I was unbreakable,
but their words were hammers,
their silences were chisels,
......
In pursuit of rainbows, I'd tirelessly strive,
Seeking happiness and fulfillment to revive,
But the rules were ever-changing, elusive, and sly,
In this shifting relationship, I'd question why.
Each day a new dawn, with hope in my heart,
Believing in us, right from the very start,
I'd reach for those rainbows, with dreams in my eyes,
Hoping to mend what our love might comprise.
......
We were running and we were safe,
We were high but well behaved
Positive souls by all that mean,
Driving cool in a fast machine
Then something happened,
We blacked out
We stuck in the dark,
Could not shout
It's the car wrack,
That we couldn't move
......
Love always came, but never in my size.
Too big to hold, slipping through my fingers,
or too small, choking me in its seams.
I wore it anyway
patched-up apologies, sleeves too short to keep me warm,
frayed edges where promises unraveled.
I shopped for love in secondhand stores,
digging through racks of discarded affection,
trying on whispers that no longer fit their owners,
......
I watched myself in the reflection of ashes,
a silhouette of everything I thought I was.
The person I used to be
naive, trusting, eager to give
smiled back,
a ghost of a life I no longer recognize.
I thought I was unbreakable,
but their words were hammers,
their silences were chisels,
......
I miss all the things.
the before things.
the untouched things.
the innocent things
that had no reason to fear the dark.
i miss the way i used to wake up
not scanning for danger
before my feet even hit the floor.
i miss how silence
......
Hostage
There is something in my body that is tainted,
A drop of poison in my vestal blood.
I can feel him taking over,
His calloused fingers slipping into my mouth,
Crawling over every inch of my unclothed skin.
On my thighs and chest I can feel him groping,
Eyes gawking at my feminine mystique.
......
They are pulled from me;
Stretched, knotted, and
Burned in a fireplace
Where trust and human emotions,
Are turned to blackened ash
I am left an empty roll.
The ribbons of my feelings,
Manhandled, manipulated
Mitigated, and misunderstood.
......