Im here in the matrix
Reality at times feels fake
Holding myself together
For if I don't I will break
Energy of which
It does take alot
offen leaves me
In a deep place of thought
Removed and excluded
Of what lay around
......
1 breath 2 breath 3 breath my ribs shatter with
each inhale exhale but i have to keep on
going, just to prove i am not a myth
my name is not me, but just a pawn
I hate myself, she is not who i am
No one sees me as him but i am please
I hear that god awful name, I’m not a ma’am
People always treat me like a disease
......
I think everything has a meaning,
but what am I meant for?
I feel like I don't have a purpose,
like I'm just here because I have to be.
I want to feel like I have a reason to wake up everyday.
I want a reason to take every breath.
......
The old jaggernaut's dream
Filled brain juice to the brim
Withstand this tale's grim
So no more you'd be trapped by the gleam
Once, spoke a hummingbird, blaring clickity and clackity throbs:
"You shall not prevail better than my voice."
The bird hums with an echo so loud, jollying bold brazen yaps,
Letting the whole forest hear her obnoxious melodies
......
I don’t like rhyming.
I shouldn't so much explain the why but how 26 letters can translate this torment I'm enduring.
Like the words anger, sadness,rage all equal to 16 letters that cling to my skin like mosquitoes but with every suck a piece of my soul rips out of this sorrowed body.
This is mediocre.
I'm going on and on about a feeling that everyone experiences but I'm special.
Like every morning I wake up with a pit in my stomach that I fill with calculated ideas of me getting better that i'll try for the next day that I'll know will be different
and every night I go to sleep with the same pit of distress that this is the reality I own.
But i am special
The next day I wake up and use the new profound idea from the night before.
but this time i'm rotting
......
You know…
being a teen
can make you mean.
Mean to yourself.
Mean to your mind.
Mean in the quiet moments
when nobody’s watching
but somehow…
everybody’s judging.
Because being a teen
......
I pick and scratch and stretch
Mutilate
Infect
Bleed
It drives me, separate
From relief
Akin to hunger.
Manual breathing
Counting
......
It seemed like an eternity
Since I started this book
But I only began to read two days ago
Ah! Robert Lowell
What a bore
Yes, I like him very much
However, he's the king of confessional
And I really sick of hearing about
Someone's mental health
How we hate our parents
......
There’s this whisper I hear when I’m alone
The one that fills me with uncertainty
If I try hard enough to push it away I can pretend it’s not there
Surround myself with people to drown out the noise and I feel almost normal
Only, it never truly left
Waiting in the shadows of my mind, lurking until it knows I have nowhere to escape
And it grows
It echoes in my ears until I’m consumed by the lies it tells
Those are the moments I long for the time it was only
A whisper
......
From the day I was told to mature,
I knew I never would.
I was always going to be the clown.
From the moment I saw what a real friend looked like,
I knew I wasn’t normal.
A few backhanded comments from my dad,
a few whispers across the class.
A couple of days alone,
a few quiet tears shed.
......