Humor Poems
The Apple Of My Eye
by Jeffrey Pipes Guice
Every time I think of you my hands began to shake.
My knees begin to wobble and my head begins to ache.
You caused me nothing but trouble and I often wondered why.
I was good to you and I loved you so. You were the apple of my eye.
It started on the afternoon of the 23rd of May.
You were dating a boy named Anderson
but your game he couldn’t play.
Then when you saw me you fell in love
and you still love me today.
......
Morning
by Frank O'Hara
I've got to tell you
how I love you always
I think of it on grey
mornings with death
in my mouth the tea
is never hot enough
then and the cigarette
dry the maroon robe
......
I'm In Jail Because of My Wife's Breasts
by Randy Johnson
Even though my wife is somebody who I love and adore.
She decided not to let me touch or see her boobs anymore.
Every time I wanted to see or caress them, she said no and I would cry.
She wouldn't let me anywhere near them and she told me the reason why.
She said that I couldn't see or touch them because I'm poor.
She said that I could see and touch them if I got rich but not before.
But I've always been so poor that I'm destitute.
Last month, I decided to rob a bank to get the loot.
I was caught by the cops after they shot me in the dick.
I knew that I would go to jail, I knew that I was licked.
......
God Is Cracking Down
by Randy Johnson
I broke one of God's Commandments when I stole an extension cord.
I was struck by a bolt of lightning because I angered The Lord.
God is cracking down on those who break his Ten Commandments.
You'd better listen to what I'm saying because I'm making a lot of sense.
When I chose to be a used car salesman, it wasn't a decision that was wise.
God struck me with leprosy because it's my job to constantly tell lies.
I haven't broken just a few of God's Commandments, I've broken all ten.
God is cracking down, he is making me pay for each and every sin.
Because I've become a leper, I can't get a date with a woman on any night.
When women see me, they wet themselves and start running because of fright.
......
Anchovies
by Randy Johnson
Yesterday, I ordered a pizza and washed my hands and then I had a fit.
When I came to the table, I saw that my family was eating all of it.
They grabbed the entire pizza, they didn't even leave me one slice.
That was inconsiderate of my family, it certainly wasn't nice.
Today, I ordered a pizza with anchovies which my entire family hates.
They wouldn't touch the pizza and they thought what I did wasn't great.
They were all angry because they didn't get their meal.
So I told the jerks that now they know how I feel.
I'm just starting - in Trumps own words
by Dr. Robert Ippaso
Everything I've touched has turned to gold,
A feeling that never gets too worn or old,
I savor every moment, every win,
With my opponents stuck in their unsightly bin.
The more they shout and flail their arms,
The more my inner soul it calms,
Their din is music to my ears,
It gives me pep; it takes off years.
......
"Humor"
by Mario Odekerken
De sok zat aan mijn hand,
de koffie in de plant.
Ochtendlogica,
nooit te vertrouwen,
maar altijd trouw aanwezig.
Humor
by Mario Odekerken
The sock was on my hand,
the coffee in the plant.
Morning logic,
never to be trusted,
yet always faithfully present.
Love Notes from the Fur-Covered Couch
by Nai'a Safir
Dear cherished companion, sweet and true,
Each day I give my thanks to you,
For all the special ways you share,
Your loving presence everywhere.
Such artistry in every shed,
From kitchen floor to cozy bed.
Your fur adorns my morning feast,
Like snowflakes falling, never ceased.
......
Dragonfly
by Joe Cyr
A dragonfly is delicate and beautiful,
with gossamer wings and body bright.
Flying up or down, ahead or back – so fanciful,
it darts about on zigzag paths in flight.
All in all, dragonflies seem cool and neat
except to the bug it’s just about to eat!
