They say I looked back out of curiosity.
But I could have had other reasons.
I looked back mourning my silver bowl.
Carelessly, while tying my sandal strap.
So I wouldn't have to keep staring at the righteous nape
of my husband Lot's neck.
From the sudden conviction that if I dropped dead
he wouldn't so much as hesitate.
From the disobedience of the meek.
Checking for pursuers.
......
When the Himalayan peasant meets the he-bear in his pride,
He shouts to scare the monster who will often turn aside.
But the she-bear thus accosted rends the peasant tooth and nail,
For the female of the species is more deadly than the male.
When Nag, the wayside cobra, hears the careless foot of man,
He will sometimes wriggle sideways and avoid it if he can,
But his mate makes no such motion where she camps beside the trail -
For the female of the species is more deadly than the male.
......
I
Living is no laughing matter:
you must live with great seriousness
like a squirrel, for example--
I mean without looking for something beyond and above living,
I mean living must be your whole occupation.
Living is no laughing matter:
you must take it seriously,
so much so and to such a degree
......
1915
Whence comest thou, Gehazi,
So reverend to behold,
In scarlet and in ermines
And chain of England's gold?"
"From following after Naaman
To tell him all is well,
Whereby my zeal hath made me
A Judge in Israel."
......
Praise the spells and bless the charms,
I found April in my arms.
April golden, April cloudy,
Gracious, cruel, tender, rowdy;
April soft in flowered languor,
April cold with sudden anger,
Ever changing, ever true --
I love April, I love you.
More often than not--
anger's eruption
is symptomatic
of an inner frustration
I woke up in this place. It's dark, I can't see. I don't know where I am.
I call out for help. Can anyone hear me? I don't think they can.
Fear sets in. I freeze.
My breath gets shallow and I drop to my knees.
Are my eyes closed? Are they open? Why can't I see?
What is going on? I need to stop and to breathe.
I breathe in. I breathe out. I breathe in. And out.
Is this a dream? Am I dead? What's this about?
My heart is pounding. Like it wants out of my chest.
I can feel it, so I'm real. But what about the rest?
......
I'm crumpling inside
but there's no reason for me to be.
I need YOU to be mad at me
so I'm no longer stuck.
I've pinned myself to a wall.
A wall of guilt.
A wall of pain and hurt.
A wall of self-hatred.
......
Spoilt from birth,
Pampered and needy,
Being the spare an inherited curse,
Leading to actions often quite seedy.
Great aunt Margaret blazing the trail
Questionable choices aplenty,
Drugs and alcohol steering her sail
A life of regrets, vacuous and empty.
......
blinding power trips
assumptions and conquests
i never said i was available
but you presume i’ll come
i never gave you permission
but entitlement doesn’t need approval
i didn’t say anything at all
but you pushed me through the wall
maybe it was my fault
frozen or fluid
......