I am so angry. I'm not sure why, but I am furious.
I will be walking down the hall and just want to smash my hand against the walls, until I can’t move it, until there’s more blood than flesh. I want it to hurt, I want it to hurt so much that it’s all I feel.
So I don’t get these flashes of debilitating sadness, of complete emptiness, or utter anguish.
I want physical pain, but I am too weak to do it to myself. I want someone to hurt me until I can’t feel anymore.
I want to bleed, to see the red run down my skin. I want to hurt.
Am I angry? I guess I can’t tell anymore. is it anger or something more. Is the root of it deeper, why do I care.
Why couldn’t I just do it. Now there are people watching, why did I fucking tell people.
I would have been fine, and if not I wouldn’t have to deal with it now. I didn’t do it so what’s it matter.
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I want to scream I want to cry I want a fucking hug.
I want to talk to her but she’s so tired. I could just text her. I’m going to text her, but not tell her why. just to distract myself, maybe she’s asleep and then she won’t answer and then I don’t know.
......
More often than not--
anger's eruption
is symptomatic
of an inner frustration
When the Himalayan peasant meets the he-bear in his pride,
He shouts to scare the monster who will often turn aside.
But the she-bear thus accosted rends the peasant tooth and nail,
For the female of the species is more deadly than the male.
When Nag, the wayside cobra, hears the careless foot of man,
He will sometimes wriggle sideways and avoid it if he can,
But his mate makes no such motion where she camps beside the trail -
For the female of the species is more deadly than the male.
......
OH, enter old minstrel, thou time-honour'd one!
We children are here in the hall all alone,
The portals we straightway will bar.
Our mother is praying, our father is gone
To the forest, on wolves to make war.
Oh sing us a ballad, the tale then repeat,
'Till brother and I learn it right;
......
They say I looked back out of curiosity.
But I could have had other reasons.
I looked back mourning my silver bowl.
Carelessly, while tying my sandal strap.
So I wouldn't have to keep staring at the righteous nape
of my husband Lot's neck.
From the sudden conviction that if I dropped dead
he wouldn't so much as hesitate.
From the disobedience of the meek.
Checking for pursuers.
......
I play by the rules day in and day out,
Showing my class, wielding my clout.
I take the hard blows time and again,
Knowing my patience shan't be in vain.
Joe's on the ropes, all by himself,
Waiting around to be dumped on the shelf,
Restraint is my friend, as I pull back and watch,
Those flailing wild jabs I so easily dodge.
......
Mumbling, stumbling, inaudible rambling,
The pity, the pain all but Biden now feel,
A spent man bereft, resorting to grumbling,
The fishing line out for opponents to reel.
How did we now reach this insufferable place,
Where a once wily Joe spun his fine web,
Enticing, enveloping with street gotten grace,
His mock Irish banter making folks fall in step.
......
Where to now, uncharted waters,
Two men vying, two men scheming,
Biden gloating, Trump now reeling,
Storm clouds gathering, eyes aloft.
So much anger, consternation,
A million words spewed every day,
Talking heads intent to sway,
Incessant noise drowning our senses.
......
In a whirlpool of emotions
None of which that can describe
My current frame of mind
Letting me get lost in this trepidation
Vicious words slowly tumbled off
Making me anxious enough
Truth be told none of it would matter
If one shall retreat and forget
But patience isn't the quality I possess
......
You've got the cans,
and I've got my hands on your face.
You brush past my breast,
can't wait for the rest.
Can finally feel this heart beating
Whisper in my ear about leaving
They all know what's happening.
Door buzzer. Butterflies flutter.
You shout Baby through the intercom
......