Naomi Lumba

February 26, 2002 - Zambia

My Negative Thoughts

To you, I have always been loyal
I answered your every call
I stayed up late listening to the sound of your voice
I listened to you tell me who you wanted me to be
I listened to you tell me what to do to reach your standard of perfect for me
I let you caress me when I felt lonely
I let you fill me with yourself on days I was empty
And on days when I was full;
Full of joy, and happiness, and light, and life, I let you empty me
I let you pierce holes into my soul and my heart
and together we joyously watched the joy seep out of me and have sorrow replace it
but luckily, sorrow came with her gifts
She brought me blades and pills I didn't need
She showed me how fun it was to sniff cocaine and smoke weed
She wrote me letters about death and suicide
She showed me the beauty that lies within bullets and knives
She taught me to overdose on the pills that kept me alive
And when you weren't here, she let her husband sleep with me, he touched me in all the right ways
and kissed me everywhere
He left me with hickeys my sleeves couldn't hide
He was self-abuse
and our relationship went on for so long, I can barely remember the times we were apart
Then one day I found out I was pregnant
It wasn't long before I gave birth to twins regret and fear
Despite the fact that I was in a relationship with you, you were so happy
You wanted this
You came back and you told me you loved me and that you were so proud
Both you and sorrow
But from my breasts, regret and fear sucked the life out of my soul
To you, I was always loyal
I answered your every call
just not the last one, right before you got the news
Right before you whispered to me to rest in peace
Peace which from me you confiscated years ago
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