Allie Dé Luca

March 4, 1998 — New York.

How do you.

How do you go through life? How do you wake up in the morning? Do you wake up and promise yourself it’s a new day? Do you really feel like you have a fresh start everyday? Do you truly and honestly get out of bed happy every morning feeling like nothing could bring you down because it’s a brand 𝙣𝙚𝙬 day?
Have you ever been so fucking low that in that moment, at that time, tomorrow didn’t exist for you? Even thinking of the sunrise was unreal.
Do you drown your feelings with alcohol? Do you ruin yourself with drugs? Have you spent your whole life learning how to filter and bury your emotions because everyone was worried about your drug addict mother and alcoholic father instead of you? Instead of worrying about the toll and emotional wreckage their actions were taking on you and your siblings only to have all your progress and growth ripped away when you slowly realized you’re no better than them.
Not being able to help thinking that the only reason your family was ‘helping’ was to make themselves feel better, so they could say that they 𝙩𝙧𝙞𝙚𝙙 to help.
You’re just as worthless as your parents because you are them. You’ve become them. You’re just as ruined. Just as broken. Just as fucked up. You’ve inherited all their shitty genes, all of their worst qualities, not being able to find the good in yourself anymore. Are you an alcoholic like your father? Do you crave the rush of trying a new drug daily like your mother? Does your ‘family’ want to send you away until you come back ‘fixed’. They expect it to last, but it doesn’t. There isn’t a happy ending, and no one gets better. There isn’t a coming back. Everyone relapses. You live on a climax, on a rush, on impulse with no downfall. Always on edge. Always ruined.

ALLIE D.
69