Jacoline Boer

March 1, 2004
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My depression

She waits for me every day. Wondering how long I will stay. I hear her calling day in day out. I want to listen when she tells me she can comfort me. When she tells me she can help me. When she tells me everything will be alright if I just step into the darkness with her. I feel her grabbing me on the cold nights, trying to take me with her. She holds my hands while I cry. She tells me I’m never alone. She is always there for me. In dark moments I seek her, knowing I shouldn’t. She can be nice from far away, but the closer she gets, the more dangerous it becomes. If I let her too close I will ruin them. My mother’s screams, my sister’s love, they seem to fade away once she tells me to stay. I grab her hand and let her pull me into the unknown. The unknown I want to learn so desperately about. The unknown that is so scary but yet so familiar. The unknown that’s always on my mind and can’t seem to let me go. The unknown she promised to take me. Her promises give me a way out, but this way out only makes life more impossible. She says she loves me and I believe her. Sometimes she’s the only thing I can think of for several days, and other days I can’t even remember why I was ever attracted to her. But then she’s there with me again, she pulls me into the dark, says she’ll help me escape. I slip into the unknown and she takes over all control I have. She makes me feel again. The numb feeling that’s always on my chest seems to be taken over by her presence. She guides me. She leads me. Her soft touch makes me calm as I follow her footsteps. She opens the gate to let me through and as I try to follow her my breath trembles and my knees feel weak. The unknown I’ve always wanted to see, seems so scary and dark yet to comfortable and silent. I let myself be taken into the dark silence to never come back to that what I once knew.
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