Beth Johnson

Missouri

Schizophrenia

I’ve got so many voices inside my head,
my Schizophrenia’s keeping them fed,
I’m starting to feel lost within myself,
think I’m turning into someone else.


I’m always planning my escape,
before my brain can escalate.

“I can’t find it,
where’s the door?
I don’t think we’ve been here before.”


Fight or flight is kicking in,
I can feel it in my skin.
My heart is pounding through my chest,
what is this?
I feel possessed.


“They’re out to get you,
stay at home,
you know it’s best to leave them alone.”

I can feel the panic taking over,
struggle keeping my composure,
start to shake uncontrollably,
I think the demons got ahold of me.


I’ve tried to drown them out,
but my head is in a drought,
my mind goes blank,
I’m in a daze,
somehow my body operates.


What was that?
I heard the door.

“Maybe you should go explore.”

The hallucinations are back again,
no one’s there,
there had never been.


It’s okay,
I’m not crazy,
things are just a little hazy.

“Who are you kidding?
You’re so deranged,
stop walking around like anything’s changed!”


I just want to make my family proud,
but these voices are getting so loud,
they push me down,
to the ground,
I think I hear them laughing now.

What’s so funny?

“It’s a game,
if you want to win you’ve got to play,
so pick a card and roll the dice,
Maybe tomorrow we’ll be nice.”

I picked a card,
they flipped The Fool,
I guess that means I’m just a tool,
a vessel meant for them to rule.
Which means tomorrow they’ll still be here,
emphasizing my every fear.

“Just close your eyes,
and relinquish your mind,
it’s time for you to say goodbye,
put that gun to your head,
we’ll be gone once your mind is dead.”

I’ve got the gun,
now there’s one in the chamber,
but let me leave you with this one disclaimer.

When I pulled the trigger,
my body collapsed,
then somewhere between life and death overlapped,
and my demons found their way through the cracks.

Now everything’s dark,
and it’s so damn scary,
I’m trapped with my demons,
in solitary.
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