Lena Grayson

November 18, 2004- San Francisco
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Who are we?
What are we doing?
We are all stuck on this tiny blue and green rock floating in a galaxy in the vastness of space. Everyone has their own consciousness and life and hardships. Some people are addicted to drugs, some are wife-beaters, rapists, lawyers, doctors, mailmen, social workers, grocery store baggers, celebrities, etc. Some like me are just mentally ill teenagers trying to live in a fucked up world, having no idea what to do next or where to go.
How could someone possibly be this exhausted at only eighteen?
How could they possibly be ready to give up when they have barely begun trying?
Life wasn’t supposed to be like this right?
You have all these plans and ideas for yourself. Promise yourself that you were going to be different. That all the bad things that happened to you wouldn't cripple you, it would only make you stronger. You tried so hard to overcome it, to push it down and move past it.
You were gonna get out and do something with your life.
Be something.
Life wasn't supposed to be like this.
You always hear that life is beautiful and a gift, but sometimes it isn’t.
Sometimes life is a nightmare that is never-ending.
Then sometimes life is amazing and exciting. Suddenly you have all these great things happening and you feel happy. You cling to the happiness because in the back of your head you know this feeling is fleeting.
How come it's always fleeting?
Why can't happiness be the default?
Why is it that there is comfort that only sadness and solitude can bring?
Why is it that when we are happy and have good things we can only think about how sad we are going to be this isn't gonna last.
Who the fuck cares!
Dwelling in sadness and anguish is not a life.
Reliving the past and obsessing over things you wished you said or did is not a life.
Staying in bed and wishing you were happy is not a life.
Life wasn't supposed to be like this.
But it is.
Life is gonna suck and be hard and exhausting and draining.
Life is also going to be beautiful and amazing and worth it.
Of course, at eighteen you have no clue what's going on or what to do.
Who does?
Everyone feels lost sometimes.
Even all the time.
Lost in space on this little rock floating in the incredible vastness of space called Earth.
We are all roaming and searching for our place or our destiny.
Living is uncomfortable, confusing, and depressing at times, and sometimes those feelings are overwhelming and even debilitating.
It's hard to see past them and remember that it's not always going to be like this.
Life wasn't supposed to be like this.
But it is so just remember to breathe and know that it will be ok.
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