baby panda

December 10, 2001 - Malaysia
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Q: what went wrong?
A: i still don't know. we were different in all the ways that mattered.


memories are all i have now
but i can't hang on to memories alone
and stand in the winter of our relationship
alone, in the wind, wondering why
you left without a word

all i have left is just the lingering awkwardness in between our texts
the sense that i have you, but only in name
and you're not quite, never quite there
take a step back
and set us both free
i don't need to beg for my dignity
and you don't need to cook up a reason
to leave without guilt
let the guilt be mine then
if we must draw a line in the sand

i've written so many things for you
some soft as a silk robe, many
rough around the edges
but all envelopes filled with molten lead
heavy as the words crammed in my throat

i've wept over this in anger and in grief
but what for? all this torment
for someone who's so cold to me i could freeze?
ah, but i'm worth more than this

they say people who care give effort
instead of excuses so
if you ever miss me when you're alone
remember you had me, but i wasn't enough

it's a long, long journey back up
from where i fell into your eyes
and your smile
only to find that they're not for me
you'll smile for anyone but me, won't you?
and i think that's really sad
how much of what you said was
just to make me feel better?

i love you, i hate you
and i miss you, but i won't say it
not anymore
i can't.
not even if i still miss you
ten years later when i'm looking at the moon
not even when the pain of missing you haunts my body

the familiar is often the dangerous
i must not get any closer to you
for both our sakes
even if i bleed my face pallid
i must keep a distance from you
else i am drawn to you like a moth to flame
unrepentant despite the burn

take care of yourself
because you're precious
i hope you forget me
but remember the lessons you
hopefully learnt from us

i hope you treat the others you meet in your life kinder
i hope you treat yourself kinder
and i hope the world
is kinder to you

goodbye, darling, goodbye
keep the piece of me you have well
so you can give it back to me when
we meet in the afterlife
and you can tell me how your life went
and i you
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