baby panda

December 10, 2001 - Malaysia
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often i wonder
how far are we willing to go for love?
for the promise that someone--
no matter who it is,
will throw their gaze out in a room full of people
and land on you and you only
every time, always and forever?

it is surprising that the memories of us
are washing away so quickly
like it didn't mean anything to me at all
even if it did, it
meant the world to me
i try and fail to hold on to them
as they vanish beneath the waves
just another drawing scratched on the sand
with a stick carelessly picked up and
carelessly discarded

if i found the missing to be difficult to bear
the inevitable and impending disappearance
of these precious moments trouble me more
can i not even keep a wisp of you?
after all this, must you become
yet another lesson and nothing more?

i wanted to learn the shape of your soul
but i ended up being familiar with
the shape of your absence instead

i'll be honest
the nights are difficult
the hole in my chest isn't getting any smaller
i say i'm fine but
i'm really not, i'm not.

how are you now, i wonder?
i think of you whenever i listen to arijit singh
do you
still remember to think of me?
is it selfish that i want you
to suffer as much as i am suffering?
i want you to be happy
but i also want you to care
it was my decision to leave
but who was it for, really?

i broke my promise of staying
that is my only regret
even if i came back, you
probably wouldn't ever trust me again
fair enough, after all
it's what i deserve

but i realised that the ones who fall first
are the ones who will wait for
the gaze of the one they love
they are the ones
who have been looking at their person
long before they were spotted
and long after they weren't.

[is it just me? - emily burns]
it's been way too long for me to find it this hard
sitting alone, my fingers picking the sofa apart
an attempt to distract from the fact that i miss you

it's kind of cruel
but i hope
you're tortured too
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