Sisekelo & Lindelwa Simelane & Manana

April 26, Manzini, Eswatini

I thought without thinking

I held on to your sweet little nothings, convinced myself there was forever in nothing in particular. your smile had me going and you laid out a bed of thorns covered in roses, your every word became a safe harbour in the storm, i held on to your warmth, told my heart it was from the yearning of your soul for us. i thought i had you. i told happy y'all look alike, thought maybe you were joy's long lost brother. i fed myself painted pictures of love that your arms led me to postulate and within the blink of an eye i poured out the very bit i had left, i thought i had the fairytale ending figured out. i thought without thinking, i figured that out when you left.

I held you without having never touched you before, I controlled your emotions having never seen you cry, I broke your heart having never heard it beat, I bruised your dignity with a mere look, I undressed you with a crude smile, I shaved your beautiful hair with my razor like words. I remember holding you to the wall, my breath penetrating your pores as the hairs at the back of your head stood as of looking to give me a standing ovation. I remember how you tried to stop me with a sweet trembling falsetto as though it were your last breath, I could feel my fingerprints bite into your melanin skin, in the same effort I felt your skin fight back my palms. As I came closer I could feel your sweat flow down like the Victoria Falls but my privilege told me that was your way if inviting me to swim. In hindsight I realise that I did all this thinking I'd put enough thought to it only to find out that when I was done with you I'd look at you and see the horrid work of misguided masculinity hidden under the shade of privilege. I guess I played myself.
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