baby panda

December 10, 2001 - Malaysia
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Yours Truly

you know
i think i understand now
you used to say
you would date
just for the companionship

and i had you back then so i didn't understand
i said i did but i really didn't
not until we drifted apart
and i struggled to find an excuse
any excuse
to convince you to stay
just a little longer
till the only candle in my world burns out
and then some

but i won't overstay my welcome and
i know my audience with you
is over.

yet in the darkness after the flicker
of the candle has been smothered
i miss you terribly and
i know this hole in my chest
is what you said
a wish for companionship

i only ever hear your voice in my head
imaginary conversations with you and
imaginary laughs
i hesitate before every text, unwilling
to make you uncomfortable
every word that passes my fingers
examined from every angle and
i still don't send them

i'm pathetic, aren't i?
i know. i know.

and as i stare at the endless pit
ahead of me
there is no light to shine upon my tears
and they fall lightly upon my bedsheets
the bedsheets i hug so tightly
when it's the dead of the night
and i have to hold myself back
from taking more of your life
than i was given

from being greedy

if you ask
whether it could just be anyone
i would have no answer
but
i know i would have chosen you again
because you're a beautiful soul
and regardless of whence you've come
where you've gone
you have kept your gentleness and
i thank the universe, i thank
whatever gods there are
i thank your god
for letting you stop by
however short your stay

i wasn't prepared for this
so i suppose it hit me
all the more harder
dug at me until i bit my tongue raw
until i clenched my jaw sore
it hit me harder than
the realisation that i probably
didn't mean much to you
didn't mean anything at all
so i pressed down on myself
refraining from the need
to make you understand that
you mean the world to me
because that weight
is too heavy to carry when
i know you know
that you can't return the sentiment

i understand.

please always take care of yourself
even when i'm not there to remind you
especially then, especially then.

i hope i can smile into the darkness
alone, but knowing that
you found your happiness
somehow, someday
the happiness that you deserve
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