baby panda

December 10, 2001 - Malaysia
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Eulogy: Lights Off

i miss you
i don't think i can ever say that

when it's lights off the tears
readily heat my eyes
and a thousand questions swirl in my mind
i said i missed you no less than
a hundred times and
you said you missed me
once, twice, maybe thrice
but did you miss me the way
i missed you?
did you think of me a hundred times a day
as i did you?
did you ever want to stay? did your heart bleed for me
like mine did for you?
you could have given me more than you did
couldn't you?
how far are you willing to go
for me?

(not very far, evidently, not very far at all.)

how much do i weigh in your heart,

(but there is only one weight in your heart that can satisfy me and that is too much to ask of you, isn't it?)

why, why, why
why did it have to be you?
i can't say this goodbye with the lights off
and your blurred face imprinted
at the back of my mind
blurred. i wonder if you even remember what i look like. what i sound like.

i asked grandpa if i should follow through with this plan and he said
what's the use of blocking him today
if you'll just unblock him tomorrow?
i said my pride would not allow it and he said
regret, my child, is what will outlive your pride

why is it that
every move i make with you
must incur a cost?
i just want this to end
one way or another
i'd rather you tell me we should part ways
i'd rather you tell me exactly how much
you don't care for me
i'd rather you tell me
i was just a pastime, just another
name on your phone
i'd rather you kiss me with poisoned lips and spell my death
than to have this relationship
drag on, draining

i don't want to feel unwanted anymore
do you understand?
i don't want to feel like i have to beg to be seen anymore
i don't want to always guess at what you're thinking anymore

they say once bitten twice shy and
i wonder if you've ruined love for me
it would not be the first thing of mine
that you broke, would it?
you were the first person who gave me
some semblance of hope in a good long while
and now, you're taking that away too

what more do you want from me?
huh? what more?
look me in the eyes and tell me.
i dug my heart out and gave it to you what more do you want?
where is this care that you say you have for me?
i can't see it, can't feel it.
for once, can't you tell me the truth?

but fine. i suppose i'll never live to hear
the words i want come out of your mouth
so i'll let you go,
i'll let you go.

we didn't ever mean anything much to you
right from the start anyway
did we?
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