Andrea Ludwig

August 23, 1997 - Berkeley, CA

First love/heartbreak

I remember lying, head on your chest
It was the morning, but we hadn’t got much rest
Up all night talking, kissing, laughing at the moon
I knew we’d have to get up, face reality soon

I took a deep breath, you asked what was on my mind
You were always so thoughtful, always so kind
I couldn’t look at you, as I told you I was scared
I just didn’t know if I was prepared

To feel as strongly as I felt about you
And not know if you felt the same way too
You’d been in love before, it had broken your soul
And I didn’t know if I were enough to quite make it whole

For me it was the first time, I’d felt this way
I’d never wanted anything as badly, as I wanted to stay
Wrapped in your arms, and wanted by you
All I needed was for you to say you wanted me too

You tried to reassure me, tell me you were also afraid
That you weren’t comparing the choices you’d made
Little did I know, my fears would come crashing down
Make me gasp for air, just trying not to drown

You’d pull the plug, squash my heart like a bug
Because while you loved spending time
And watching me shine
And pushing my buttons
And talking til dawn
You knew deep down
That it just wasn’t right
You were in the dark, and I wasn’t your light
And so it was over
When I thought it was just gonna begin
I became a loser, when I thought I just might win

They tell me someday
I’ll stop feeling this way
Like I’m on a melting iceberg
And it’s starting to crack
Like my brain is on fire
My heart under attack
They tell me it takes time
There’s lots of fish in the sea
That I need to be alone
Figure out how to love me

But all that I know
Is that you knew me better than anyone
And now I was broken
And I didn’t know what I’d done

Cause I would have done anything
If I thought it’d make you smile
Always willing to try harder, go the extra mile
And all that I’d learned
Was that it wasn’t enough
I shouldn’t have opened my heart up
That I needed to be tough
I learned I could cry more than I thought my eyes could handle
And my mouth could learn and just as quickly, forget how to smile
I learned my heart could break in a thousand different ways
And that the hurt could go on for many, many, many days
I learned that this strong, independent girl, wasn’t as strong as she thought
Feelings aren’t something that can be earned, and trying is fraught

But mostly I learned how strong those feelings could be
How much I could love
How it could build me up, and fill me with glee
And how the price of that feeling
Can be quite a hefty toll
I learned that the one thing worth living for
Is the one you can’t control
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