Is anyone to blame?

8 years older I thought to myself
“Surely he must know more than me”

I was broken and you were bruised

By the time I had entered, you had picked up the pieces of what life you had left but were you really any better than before?
Or where you looking for a replacement to recreate
the life you had lost?

And as for me; I was lost in my despair.
Trapped in a house that felt the least like home
longing for any safety, for warmth, and clinging to any form of escape.

I told you had a boyfriend. “I’m pretty sure he doesn’t actually love me”, I shared with you the anxiety, the mistreatment, the big mistake I made by moving in with this man.

I still scan every part of this to figure out it how this all happened, where it started and when, and how did it turn so sideways.

Everything from the trickle of silver in your hair
and the experience of past lives
The lost family, your future you envisioned
shredded to pieces before your eyes and along with it
your soul

To the slippery slope of your charm
your sarcastic tone
the playfulness in your words
and the gentleness that peaked out from beneath it all, how could I have resisted?

All I can think about is our silly banter
The way we opened up to each other
The almost instant connection
And how you made me feel seen
And that somehow I gave you hope

We’re in love! Isn’t it great!
Caution to the wind, we fell into each other so fast
That we didn’t even see it happen

If I asked you today “who’s to blame?”
I’m almost positive you would say me
And I wont deny the part I played

I was living a double life

I would go home and suffer in silence
My love runs deep, I don’t know when to stop
So when I thought it was best to stop loving him
And start loving you, I was unable to do it

I still craved his touch, to feel his skin on mine
The way he would hold me turned my insides to flames in the best way
He still made me laugh, made sure we spent time together, and would plan dates
He would also make me feel small
My body would tense up from the anxiety and fear
After all was said and done, I still felt empty, used, and unloved.


For a passing moment, you were my escape
My safety
The soft place for me to land
An insta- family
Or so I had thought

As the days dragged on, you got tired of my excuses
You couldn’t understand why I didn’t just leave
The playful words and charm stopped and you replaced them with bullets meant only for me
The resentment in you grew like weeds
The more you pushed the more I pulled away

You told me I give you anxiety and that broke my heart. It still does
You told me you couldn’t wait any longer and I said I don’t blame you
Now every time you seen me, you felt anger and frustration
And when I looked at you, I felt shame and regret


All of the sudden we found ourselves in this grave we dug together

It was a few short months, why invest so much into someone you don’t know?
When I told you I was struggling mentally, why didn’t you take that at face value?
Why did you think you could fix me?
Why did I think you could fix me?
Why did I intentionally wrap you around my fingers
When deep down I knew it would end this way?
You should have known better and I should have ran

Would have, could have, should have.

So who’s to blame?