Marra Makinen

May 1, 2000 - San Diego
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I am extremely conflicted
I know where I want to be-
By the ocean-
But I don’t know how to get there

I don’t know whether I should go a traditional route,
And work full-time till I retire
Or whether I should pack everything up,
Hide out in a caravan
And live a small, menial life by the sea
I could work odd jobs-
Enough to get by-
And then sit by the sea for the rest of my life
I want that
I want to be free from the typical 9-5
And the nuclear family
And the materialism that pervades much of our lives
But how can I get everything else that I want?
I want so much more-
A dog, meaning, to help people, to enjoy a cup of coffee every morning
And I have so many different ideas about how to get there-
Opening a cafe, selling my soul to Hollywood, passing the Bar
But I just want to live by the damn ocean

I have never related so much to a fictitious fig tree
As I do right now
With my life branching out in so many different directions
Where there are so many places for me to go
And not enough time to choose one fig over another and another
I feel stuck
Between doing something that will make me happy now
And doing something that will make me happy later
And I don’t think I’m alone in these thoughts-
I think we all have them
And that we all partially wish for salt-ridden solitude
Yet, so many of us must sacrifice our happiness instead

I am so, so stuck
Because all I want to do is live by the ocean
But I don’t know how to get there
And I don’t think there are many out there to guide me
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