I relapsed—
After my shift
Rushed to the bathroom
Purged it all out
I hate this brain
That makes me hurt myself
I'm just so tired
Of never feeling worthy
Always second choice
Not valued, passed over
They see I'm not worth much
The constant critique
Never thin enough
Mom's disorder projected
"You'd be prettier
If you lost forty pounds"
If I was skinnier
Would they love me more?
Is my heart not enough
Unless my body complies?
Their love feels so conditional
When do I get seen
Without being too fat?
Is that really so bad?
I kicked worse habits
But the scale glares at me
Got skills and confidence
Still the weight holds me back
Mom keeps suggesting
Risky surgeries
Despite my pleas
I just want love
Without needing change
Comfort without critique
Care without scales
My body, my rules
My weight didn't stop him
When he forced himself
He took what he wanted
Didn't care about the rest
The scale's eyes don't always see me
I'm scared to tell the truth
Will it make him leave?
No one wants damaged goods
A puking, crying, mess
Unloveable disaster
Some days I just hate
This body, this mirror
Disordered eating
Burning, bleeding
All to tame the flesh cage
I wish I could glimpse
Even a part beautiful
Without the scale's eyes
Judging every inch shown
Will I ever love this skin?