Chris Flores

Possessor of an age
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Make Happy (Long)

It’s not hard to be happy
You know how to be happy
Stable life
Smiles and kids
Good money
And a house to live in
It’s not hard to write
It’s not hard to think
It’s not hard to believe in
it’s not hard to want
Make happy
We search for it every night
Make happy
Work and hope for better
Make happy
You know you want to be.

i want to be?
i want to be
Who wouldn’t want to be?
The warmness of the sun
A hand grasping onto yours
A smile on the lips
A sight kind to the eyes
Kids smiling and saying your name

I’m so tired
I want to sleep
But I don’t want to wake up tomorrow
Something always happens tomorrow

“I don’t wish to wake up dead
I just wish to never wake up”

Show me the regret
I’ll show you the eye bag

What’s my suffering?
Where is my scar?
Where is my abusive father?
Where’s my dying mother?
I want a reason to cry
I want a reason to passively wanting to die
Not die
Simply to never have been
My mortal sin
Original sin
Mental health? Slip, slip
Dip and dips
Where’s the crime?
Where’s the dime?
I want some change
“Can ya toss doggy a bone?”
The leaf begins to fall, and says “No”

Do i want to be happy?
Make happy?
To make it?
To feel it?
I don’t want to want it
I don’t want to…
I want to be free of all
Free of my body
Free of my mind
Free of universal law
Free from earthly bonds
Limited to only see limitlessness

A warm hand holding onto yours
The sun warming your face
A smile on the lips
Kids smiling and saying your name…
“I don’t want it”
“Yes I do”
“No lo quiero”
“Si lo quiero”
“Eu não quero isso”
“Sim, eu quero”
“Ich will es nicht”
“Ja, ich will es”

A mind of rambles
Incoherent thoughts
Never read its words
It’ll leave you, brain rot

“I don’t understand,
How a child living in turmoil,
Beyond his control can be so calm and collected.”
I’m not Miss.
I’m not Miss History Teacher
Miss unintentional creativity deplieter
I’m not…

Fight unseen beasts
Cry and smile in defeat
I lose
I lost
I lose
I lost
9 millimeter and a red dot
Shatter my skull into peace

Shoot myself in the foot I mean
Call it peace

At least then I have control
At least then I know who to blame

I scare myself

“The most beautiful thoughts
Are always beside the darkest”
Laugh and Laugh
The shine
Dance and dance
A mind free from social bonds
I’ll cry and cry
Write and write
I cry in writing
I scream in letters
“The shadow self?”
This is me!
I am myself
No barriers
No walls
Just pent up suffering
I suffer and don’t know why
I distract myself cause I have to
I hate school cause all I have is myself
My own thoughts
My own feelings
I hate everything
I hate everything
Where’s God in the nightlife?
Why does he love the light life?
Use my own arm as my ashtray
Cut myself to see even if it hurts
It does
It did
I’m not stupid
I’m not stupid
I don’t do that no more
*Looks at those grades*
Self-righteous suicide
Premeditated murder
“I’m so scared to not upset her
So I kill some of my pleasures”
Mama, sorry.

“Today I thought about killing you
I love myself more than you”
And I want to kill myself
“I‘ve thought about killing you
You’ll only care enough to kill someone you love
I think bad things
Really bad things”
Where’s the good
I won’t change
I won’t change
Another tear for the pond?
Another tear for my wounds
Another tear for the pool
“The most beautiful thoughts are always beside the darkest”
Be void
“You only care enough to kill somebody you love”
Mama, mama, mama, mama
I’m sorry
I’ve thought of bad things
I’m bad
I’m sorry
Disappointments in all
I won’t change
Nando, Nando!
I won’t change Fernando
I’m sorry
I have a picture of you infront of me
I see your eyes
They’re tired
You’re tired

I hate christmas Nando
I hate christmas Mama
I hate remembering the day where you asked me, Nando
You asked me if I wanted to kill myself
You wore a red plaid shirt I think
It was cold and the light outside was bright for my eyes
You hugged me and told me it was okay, I think
But it wasn’t
Was it?
I didn’t answer you Nando
“Yes or no?”
“I don’t know”
I didn’t hug you Nando
I’m sorry Nando
Sorry Nando
Mama, I won’t ask for anything
It feels wrong
It feels wrong to be given something
It feels wrong to be gifted anything
It feels wrong to ask for a want
Since it’s not something I need
My therapist said, she said…
That it could be a symptom of a -- neglected childhood?
But, mama?
You love me?
You loved me, right?
You tried mama.
You tried?
Life did you dirty mama
It wasn’t your fault
You love me right?
You always did your best
I just never behaved, right?
You always loved me
I’ll ignore what Jessica said of you
When I went out with her to buy food with Itzel
She said that you were neglectful
That she wishes she was my mom instead
That she would take better care of me than you
That everyone neglected me
Sister, sisters, brother, brothers
That she was my mom
But you tried mama
You did your best.
I was just the problem, right?

The therapist said, that I take care of myself
That I want the bare minniumm
She said that I never had anyone
Only myself
That I love ideas and ignore people
Because I had no people near me
No people to love me
That I fell into a hole in my mind
The one filled with thoughts and ideas
That I am my own best friend
I love ideas
I hate people
I love to hate
I hate people
My own intellegence is the result of someone else’s negligence

I hate thinking
To think is to suffer
I don’t like suffering

Sad child
Little room
He thinks and thinks
“I should’ve died in the womb”
I was born early.
3 months early, or 2
I guess I wanted to

Was taken out the womb
With an already tied noose
Brain already had a stroke
I had emotions
I killed them
I had to
I wanted to play
My sisters said no
I played alone
I cried alone
I smiled alone
I laughed alone
I suffered alone
I gew up alone
I don’t like feeling empty when I’m alone
But I don’t like crying when around family

Closer than ever
Crammed into cities
Do you feel lonely?

Do you?

I killed myself!
I killed myself!
I killed myself!
I didn’t want to hurt!
So I hurt myself!
I’d rather feel nothing
Than anything at all
I don’t want to feel anymore
I don’t
Nothing is happening in my life right now
So what is my suffering?
My older brothers and oldest sister
They were beaten
My daddy hit them
My daddy abused mama
He went to jail in 2007 or 08’ or so
The year I was born
He was gone
In jail

2007, February, 12
I was born that day
Daddy was in jail
A women beater
A son beater
What is my suffering?
I have no suffering?
No hand laid on me.
Who do I hate?!?!
WHO?!?! TELL ME PLEASE LORD HELP ME PLEASE HELP ME HEKLP MM<E PLEASE HELP ME why do I hurt, WHY?! Save me God! I’m your child, your son! Save the unsaveable! Heal the dying! Where’s the love! Love be!? Love bye! Love be?! Love bye! FUCK YOU FUCK YOU WHO DO I HATE HATE! I HATE I HATE I HATE FUCK ALL OF YOU!!

My suffering
I don’t remember childhood
Where’s my trauma mark?

“The most beautiful thoughts are always besides the darkest
Today, I seriously thought about killing you
I contemplated, premeditated murder
And I think about killing myself
And I love myself way more than I love you, so…”
I lied
I don’t love myself
I love you all more than myself
I serve others
I’m okay with that
I live to be another’s puppet
Fuck being free
I just want to be safe
To call someone home

How happy can you be?
If you have to make it

A fool’s facade
A fool’s facade

Trama dump
Plan a jump
Ran a bump
Police cars in clumps
Find no peace, hit a slump
Kill my ups, drive through streets
Bloody sheets, dirty cups
Kiss my crux, shot through the seat
Crash into a tree
One shot and find some peace

“Carkes, what are you thinking about?”
She worries for me, maybe
She looks at me, sacredly
“Nothing, bad. I promise”
“You’ve been spacing out
You left me drying out”
“Nothing, tried to rhyme”
She laughed
I tried to smile
Make happy
A hand grasping onto yours
The warmness of the sun
A smile on the lips
A sight kind to the eyes
Kids smiling and saying your name

I just want to be happy
I want what I can’t have
Maybe I can?
Can I?

“I thought about killing you”
Yeah, I’ve thought about killing me
Myself, I’ve been talking about myself
I won’t ever kill myself
I’m too scared for such act
Too tired to live
Too scared to die
It’s funny

“Cause I dance with the Devil
And I gamble with God
I ain’t the man you want me to be”

But I’m already dead
Premeditated murder
I’ll make myself happy
Little by little
Ponder unknown fields
I shall seek and seek
But I know I won’t find anything
What’s the difference between a void and this path
The path to nowhere
The path that never ends
I try to walk the path
I walk and walk
Hurt and suffer
I shall walk the path but never reach the end
I’ll never reach the end and I know that
I am nothing
Where’s the aspiration?
The void.
It's the void

I love myself
I love myself
So that’s not the issue here
I love myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I’ll kill myself
Then savor my blood
Drawing a Red Cross on my wrist

Rambling damblings
“Abandon all hope all ye who enter”
I heard that, then was born
3 months early
Stuck in a box
Golden hour was under locks
Trapped, staring at the clock
I only saw the doc and the nurses
Where was mama?
She was dying I think
In a bed sick
I don’t blame myself
Yet, I want to
But I won’t

I came out the womb
A size too small
Stuck in a box
Stare at a clock
Born alone
Only see doctors and nurses
Die alone
Surrounded by doctors and nurses
“We did everything we could, Miss Flores.
He’s dead.”
My life’s define, is alone
Predetermined conditions
Enforced logical superstitions
Connect the dots
Connect one eye floater to the next
Connect it one to another, again, again, and again, again, again, and again, again, again, and again, again, and again, again, again, and again, again, again, and again, again, again, and again, again, again, and again

Hop and skip
Hope then skip
Make happy
No matter the cost
Make yourself happy
No matter the cost
Selfishness a virtue?
Selflessness a virtue?
What’s the line between selflessness and low self-worth?
What is the line between selfishness and putting yourself first?
I don’t know
I don’t care
I’ll be good
I’ll ignore what i want
I’ll be better than most
I’ll hurt more than most
My mind is slipping at times
My mind is concrete and good at times
I’m content with myself
With my life
Perhaps that’s the problem
I don’t suffer and don’t care for why
I suffer?
I don’t?
I suffer?
I don’t?
“Life is to suffer”
You suffer
Fuck you

You hit me a couple of times
But you never abused me
You yelled at me a couple of times
But you never verbally degraded me
You love me
I love you mama
Mama’s boy
I’m mama’s boy
I don’t want you to cry anymore
I don’t want to cry anymore
Why do we all sometimes cry, mama?
I’m sorry mama
I’m sorry for not being better for you
I don’t live to serve me
I love to serve y’all
I should be better for y’all
I serve others
Not as a knight
But as a slave
A jester for fools
A servant to the slave
That’s what I am
A jester for fools
A jester for fools
I can’t bear to live for me
So I’ll live for you
I live for you
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