Matthew Conrad

May 15, 1986 - Ostrowiec Świętokrzyski
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some variant of a quodratic (schlechtgrammatik)

lately i've found that right-wing intellectuals
are, un-reasonable...
but that the right-wing crowd is...
reasonable...

lately i've found that left-wing intellectuals
are, reasonable...
but that the left-wing crowd is...
un-reasonable...

quiet a predicament...
i simply adore what left-wing intellectuals
do... they paint with words...
they strut like peacocks...
they have such fine fine wings to boast
about... that they dare not...
dip them into paint...
it's a word salad for one man...
it's an extension of poetry for another...

and i don't invoke to include
this modern dichotomy as back as Kant...
back then... politics was not concerned
about either left, or right,
it was a monolith...
politics was power...
there was no two-party solution...

if you were an intellectual back then,
back in the time of Kant...
you simply nibbled on the breadcrumbs
from the table of power...
while at the same time...
sneaking a macaroon onto it...

that's all you ever did...
there was no left or right...
but now... "power to the people!"
potentia ut populus!
i really don't follow right-wing intellectuals...
they are boorish fact-based
encyclopoedias...
they will cite you as many facts
as is necessary to never fathom
or divulge their: somehow unfathomable
necessity for stating the facts...
which is why the right-wing
audience is... reasonable...

i prefer left-leaning intellectuals...
they have the flare! the finesse!
they want some poetic adventure in their lives!
they adore, language...
don't ask me how,
but they adore language...
they like things to be... ambivalent...
problem is...

their "supposed audience"?
like a bunch of right-wing intellectuals...
when the right-wing intellectual
imposes drilling with a fact...
he will not stop...
constantly bragging about
i.q. and the western love for theory
to conquer the natural world...
all this baguette boasting and gluttony of
gloat: when the game of choice
once was: cowboys vs. indians...
sooner or later the kids
will play the game of allies vs. the nazis...

but i'm pretty sure some wehrmacht soldier
by the name
of Heinrich von Gluttengomb
had his valkyrie blond become the poster
girl of the nationalagendazeischenplus!
there was no left or right avenue
for intellectuals in the past...
there was the top to bottom
or the bottom to top...
Aesop's fables...
Christianity...
St. Augustine's soliloquy...
or Machiavelli's top to top...

i try to entertain right-wing intellectuals...
but i come back with an
indigestion... perhaps too much fibre...
too many facts, not enough poetry...
not enough love for language...
they always seems to scream:
language has to be used...
not deliberated...
it cannot be nuanced...
it must fit the facts!
the facts are eternal!
yeah... they do have their absolute relativism...
until an Einstein usurps a Newton...
they are absolute...
relatively till the next absolute...
that's hardly a cosine or a sine
fluctuation... more like a tangens "fluctuation"...
but the people surrounding
the right-wing intellectuals are reasonable...

unlike what happens on the left...
the people are un-reasonable...
their, fucking turkey-gagging-mantras
of being fed filtered shit is unnerving...
why would a right-wing intellectual
bring up an ad hominem argument regarding
the personal life of someone?
in the abstract...
does one's private life have
to tamper with an idea?
i've learned long ago that the life
of the mind is anything but the impusilve
nature of the body...
same old shit... just a different cover...

the left-wing intellectuals seem to be more
reasonable...
but the audience, the, "supposed audience"?
well... it isn't...
one thing that struck me was...
the notion of )open bias(
and of (closed bias)...
a lefty-intellectual is more prone to
the notion of an )open bias(
whereas the right-wing intellectual is more
prone to the (closed bias)...

imagine what lying is: something you
are able to say while also being able
to be convinced...
the only truth about a lie...
is the ability of the liar to be convinced
that whatever the lie is...
it is never to be differentiated from
truth... it's a synonym bath...

i try to imagine what truth is -
or at least telling it...
truth is something you are willing / have to say...
but are not convinced by it...
lies are convinction mechanisms...
truths are stumbling blocks...
a liar will run the 100m race...
a truth-teller will have to run
the 110m hurdle race...

i still try to imagine what truth is...
regurgitation a plethora of facts
is hardly telling the truth...
it's telling an annotated truth...
and we all know what it feels like
reading a novel that's heavily annotated...
the annotations disrupt the narrative...

no one who speaks the "truth" should ever
be so aghast, so "profound" so certain
to be saying it:
truth could be renamed: the manifesto of doubt...
and doubt is not a bad thing...
it's more of a plethora of emotions
than outright negation will ever be...

negation sleeps with lies...
doubt sleeps with truth...

who can ever speak of truth:
while not being doubtful...
who can speak the truth...
thinking he has not succumbed
to giving his tongue to the hydra of
dogma?

but right-wing intellectuals: speak the truth!
as they also speak dogma...
at least the left-wing intellectuals
attempt to speak poetry...
truth is a matter of...
what comes to be necessary...
at a necessitated moment in perpendicular /
cul de sac point of application -
everything is so...
when creating the labyrinth of
pedagogy...

no one who is to speak the truth
can escape the doubts...
since everyone who speaks lies
can find convinction
from the "anti-thesis" of a lie...
a double-lie... a negation...

do i tell the truth by any means necessary?
a truth, a doubt,
a lie, a denial...
since a lie is certainly not a doubt...
and a truth is certainly not a denial...
well... there's no such thing
as the "truth", since there's only
a truth... this definite / indefinite article
in the english language of
a- / the- is crucial...

you can speak A truth... but never: the "truth"...
that's the existential zenith summit of
pickled brains over the span
of aeons...

- right-wing intellectuals make it necessary
to talk over each other,
and always, always that pedantic rigour
of stating centimetre depth "discrepencies"
of the most condensed "fact-checking"...

- at least with left-wing intellectuals
there's some variation of juxtoposing
alt. narratives into some sort of a collective
upheaval...
which is probably "why"
the right-wing intellectual audience
is more forthcoming and reasonable
than the left-wing intellectual audience...
which has to ram the collective
mantra aspect of ingesting any "idea"...

if it's not mantra: it's not worth
a penny from the heaven of the mind...
having the audacity to rain down
from above...

- i don't even dare asking what the current
left politico is doing in, "the west"...
Poland circa 1988...
it wasn't as bad as people might claim...
certainly not as bad as what it is...

some languages do exist where you do not
rebel against grammar...
yes, in some:
nouns are subject to gender-bias...
pronouns are: per se...
already excluded from gender-bias...
nothing in the english language
suggests that there has to be a gender-neutrality..
of pronouns...
when you already have
the "privalege" of gender-neutral nouns!

this is like translating Polish into English...
on / ona (he / she)
ja (that's one pronouns that's already
gender-neutral): I... ego... that's gender-neutral...

what isn't gender-neutral about they?
the plural of: pointing at a group?
does english require to invoke
the many variations of the german:
der die das?

the current argument from these quasi-communists
is infuriating...
why do i get sucked up into it...
all, the, bloody, time?

the english language exercises
a gender-neutral noun policy...
unlike other languages...
akin to french or polish...
there's no masculine or feminine expression
associated with either
boiling a kettle or looking at the moon!

gender, neutralm pronouns...
so... gender neutral implies...
conflating the singular with the plural?
I was and will be... gender neutral!
you is and will be... gender neutral!
it is and will be... gender neutral!

hence the a- / the- scissors of
the articles in the english language...

does gender-neutrality... of pronouns...
in any way, shape or form...
confiscate some reading into
gender-neutrality and a definite grammar?
or gender-neutrality and an indefinite grammatical
structure?

i must be retarded... i can think of an example...
how can you work your way around
the custard of: gender-neutral pronouns...
when you already have gender-neutral nouns?!

is this really how God of the Hebrew became
"woke"... a "revelation"...
the debate over (s)he and ha-shem?
is this it... is this when God pops up his ugly
head and says: oi oi! right 'ear ol' banger!
pass m' another glam rock
shot of vodka poisonin'!
glitter and all... like the best you ever served
was a danzigergoldwasser (would youl believe it!
Danzig was like the Athens of old...
a city state... elightened...
the Poles mingled with the Germans...
city-states... always the prime grief
between nations)...

gender-neutral pronouns...
i want... to understand...
but i also want...
to imagine eating a slab of butter
thinking about oysters and performing
oral sex on a floral pattern of vulva...
i want to be the sort of man that
says about an anorexic:
i've seen more meat on
a butcher's apron...

and i've had a visit from the Crab-Lady of
classical bulimia...
i'd call her the index and middle finger
choke... you'd eat and eat...
then apply the index and middle
to the mouth, tease the laxynx,
aim of flexing the oesophagus...
until... out comes your granny...
in a thick splodge of semi-digested
pulp... something a daddy-seagull
would be proud of to shove
down the gobs of its feeding frenzy
gene conclusion: back to the future!

happy?! the pursuit of happiness...
last time i checked...
it began with a pursuit of awe...
happiness makes you... indolent...
content... nothing bothers you...
or if it does... you bother other people
with your bothersome'ness...
it's not even as easy as:
why strive to be happy...
when you can be interesting...
when awe tackles the keel and you buckle
into happiness...
forget about it!

you only live by being either
interested or... shit-stained diarrhoe frightened...
happy breeds farm of clones
and regurgitated crap 'o' bollocks
to posit... the hive says
this be the best place
to drop a queen and let the colony thrive...
happiness is not even
worth the pursuit or the non-existent
pardon to go with it...
to pursue: awe...
whether awe by unearthed things...
or by the goldrush of "stupidity"...

i'm still having to figure
this "neu-communism" from east of Berlin...
"gender neutral pronouns"...
sorry... ahem...
aren't the nouns already gender neutral?
so why would you want
"gender neutral pronouns"?
fucking Muscovite skivvy...
fucking burrower turned her thee zee und
orc attention to grammar...
chim chim chimeree!

to pursue: happy...
that's like the pursuit of mr. catholic...
the priest the church says:
ergo? i'm happy!
i'm all burberry chequers:
und nein schach...

nächste ding du kennen...
jeder wort im deutsche: ist ein nazibirne!

to pursue happines is to also find
sadness...
at least to pursue inquisitiveness...
awe... is to be met with bouts
of boredom...
was geistig gesund einz ist verfolgt freude?

all that is said and will ever be said
in german has to bow before the
prefix naxi-...

the grammar still bewilders me...
ich werden hier dumm...
unterhaltsam dieser!

daher ich bin nicht: "glücklich"...
(therefore i am not: "happy")...
look at me!
sehen bei mir!
i rather learn german using
english grammar...
than have to learn this
neu-englisch pseudo-communist
hive architecture!

i'll rather grind my teeth...
than have to succumb
to the russian intellectual export
that the current schwammköpfchen
tells me to reiterate outside
of the realm of pedagogy!

ich werden getränk -
and i will continue to match up
these poor bastards bad grammar
with english grammar being
translated into german!
that's the best i can offer...
if you should be couch-surfing in your mind...

this is like the sort of sadism one
isn't supposed to enjoy...
i should just rush and blossom
in western slavic words...
ja to, tamto... ja i słońce ja i ziemia...
i this, that, i and the sun i and the earth...

life truly ends with a pursuit of happiness...
a happy man will never ever be
bound to awe... to surprises...
except for the outliers...
and the outliers are always outside
the binding of nations having
a whiff of crafting their categorical
imperative: the h'american categorical
imperative being: to pursue happiness...

to pursue to be happy...
what motivates a happy man?
when happiness has been estalbished
on the plateau?
not much... bad grammar is apparently
the next of kin...
to have come across happiness
is to have to degenerate into
intellectual laziness...
happiness breeds these "folk"...
to pursue the ancient greek
mystery, to stand erect and in awe...
to never bother the bowing angel
of the first become pursuit of awe
of the ape...
even if it is, as crude as Bukowski minded
to point out:
the mystery of one's own anus!

but to be happy?
to be truly happy?
is to not have lived at all,
to begin with;
i would have been most happy
not to have been born to begin with...
to be happy is also to be able
to nuance sadness...
to prescribe oneself
an abstract opiod of a lie...
but to be happy? to be truly happy?
is not not have lived at all,
to have to not been born...
that is happiness...
and if there's anything
beside life and striving to live?
it's not to find happiness...
but to pursue the quest
for curiosity...
again: to be happy is to not have been
born... what remains
is a thirst for neither water
or for wine, nor a hunger
for either wheat or animal flesh...
it's a pursuit of a question...
that either exists... or doesn't...
it's to die inquisitive...
and to have lived:
looking for something one always
pretends to have lost.
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