Matthew Conrad

May 15, 1986 - Ostrowiec Świętokrzyski

relief

sooner or later we learn what requires us to learn
outside of schools...
we were borught together for no other reason
as to wither in friendships that required us to learn:
things worth an ancient past -
but not the immediate tomorrow -
and of these friendships that once were...
we realised... that we had a mind of our own...
so we had to trash the friendships we "thought"
we once had...
they caged us: then they uplifted us with:
another brick in the wall...
no man once having escaped schooling -
having retrieved his mind -
would consider "friendships" of said scholastic
caging worthy of a revival...
we are now, of course! independent men!
what figment of friendship let alone love
are we speaking of? a friendship revived:
post mortem?!
a love re-experienced... otherwise not...
post mortem?
from friendships bound to cages...
to friendships out in the open?
of what or what mammal sigma complex
am i? a noble swan: monogomy riddle mondays?
lion harem tuesdays?
wednesday ant hive mentality?
thursday's wolf pack brotherhood?
lone fox fridays?
shark infested waters come saturdays?
genocidal chimp maniacs come sundays?!
whatever these "bogus" claims of god's: you shall...
none mentions a classmate...
a friend...
the impersonal medium of a neighbour:
fix your "shit" whole i fix mine...
and let us not come to pass as neighbours
as any more than occupants of segregated spaces...
if anyone can translate friendship from
the confines of pedagogy into the experience
of life... friend, oh friend... you are no longer a friend unto
me as i am no more a friend unto you...
love your neighbour as yourself is a simple
measure of a maxim...
to degrade all friendships associated with
pedagogy from the status of
intra-personal to the status of inter-personal...
of the wider concept of society?
wow! now we're talking!
i'm not more a friend than i am more
in my capacity of being a neighbour...
we will not share a classroom joke...
the world is much more refined to entertain classroom
jokes... there is no friend, here...
we are involving concept of private property...
not something closely associated with
one of us chewing some gum
and then passing the chew to the other...
we were given the illusion of friendship,
we were given the illusion of love...
at least love had us fooled a while longer...
we chased it much further than must be required...
before the sedatives of reality had us reined in!
while the concept of friendship died:
the honorable death...
no longer bound to events associated
to pedagogy... what friendship was there...
in the efficiency driven world of profession?
a friendship with one's neighbour...
the other, closest kin...
even "god" knew...
we huddle them into a compost
heap of children in a kindergarten... step 1...
steps 2 and 3... similar...
step 4 we get the neighbour dynamic...
if we can't estsablish that...
we can't establish anything to begin with...
step 5? retirement projects of
rekindling the sense of school via
a "community"...
each every: the next new bogus trap...
to only want a page to be a friend...
a punching bag: a backwards and forwards...
we weren't friends "friends" for any consoling reason
beside the reason that we were
schooled together... even then...
we merely... allowed ourselves to...
force ourselves to entertain each
others' presence...
like that motto:
we do not choose our family members...
but we can choose our friends...
shame it's not the other way round...
then again:
shame is a riposte toward an absolutely
convincing feeling of origins unknown.
i have not known friendship outside
of school...
i have not known friendship
outside the realm of Stawki 73/2...
aged 4 - 8... the hellish brood of demonic children
who dug holes in the ground
and gambled marbles while throwing
them into the dug holes... tic-tac-toe...
at best: i have known what being a neighbour
implies... "placebo solipsism" yourself
as those, the people surrounding you...
friend of sycophant?
i never bothered to ask...
it seems obvious right at the beginning...
we can only be the most kind replicas
of oursevles, unto others,
as... merely memories...
since? we rememeber ourselves
as the best kind of people...
while... well...
we always imagine ourselves as the worst
kind... there is a growing fetish for
imagining ourselves as the best...
while sober memory tells us:
you weren't that bad...
but... you imagining yourself to be better
than you were? i'm not so sure
whether i want a stake to gamble with you
upon you changing your mind.
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