Matthew Conrad

May 15, 1986 - Ostrowiec Świętokrzyski

3 dates in december

three things will happen in december:
on the 12th of december there will be a general
election in england...
on the 15th i'll finally be allowed back
onto hellopoetry.com:
i still think it's slight misunderstanding
concerning: when notre dame burned...
some patty m user...
and my poem... along the lines of:
why is it that the nazis are this epitome evil?
or is that: the cartoon evil?
they were nazis... yes...
but they weren't philistines...
notre dame didn't survive the nazis...
you could say: st. paul's cathedral survived
the nazis while the rest of London was
blitz'ed up...
but like those h'americans in catch-22...
when asked: why didn't you spot X over Rome...
the soldiers replied: we are were not permitted
to drop bombs on a neutral country...
it was the Vatican and st. peter's basilica...
nazis were this that and the other...
so much of culture has fueled the better part
of the 20th century...
it's hard to fight against an "epitome" when you'd
rather use it... culturally...
even world war I nonsense doesn't have
that sort of phallic: look into the future...
it's not like there was a less articulate jack the ripper
back in 1888... when ed gein appeared
circa 1954... ed gein and the nazis are...
probably the two most prominent examples
of what "victory" culture in the pop sense had
to offer... i said: the nazis were nazis:
but they weren't philistines!
they had a sensibility about them when it came
to aesthetics - hugo boss uniforms and a cleptomania
for art work...
interlude: as i write this a cat sleeping on my bed
is petitioning for attention:
i'd film her... but she's implying: to implore a
quasi-prayer - two front paws exagerrated into
a folding and unfolding amen -
moving up and down like an elevator -
if that doesn't enslave my right hand to petting her...
and i return with both my hands
to the keyboard... she's lazily curious...
she too wants to write...
or at least begins biting at the screen of the laptop...
again: a misunderstanding from back in april
has left me: "burned out" for a better part of the year...
i somehow survived on alt. websites...
but when you have an audience size that can zenith
at over 10K... what will 10 views do to your
sensibility of: at least someone appreciates
the fact that i don't like to be interrupted...
nazis as a mythology... i just see the next friendrich mann
and... the blind in the kingdom of the one-eyed man...
but i stress with no defence...
paris was not bombed...
notre dame: didn't exactly "survive" the nazis...
st. paul's did... in London... when the rest of London
was bombed and is... what we have now...
new London... just like neuWarschau...
it's ugly... it's 20th century and there no... "chance"
to witness the old town: of edinburgh (-esque)...
i just don't like the fetish for epitomes of evil...
i do like epitomes of mediocre...
mediocre evil is rife with shit and sinew...
over-cooked pasta? that's mediocre evil for me...
tea brewed to taste worse than
dog piss on a diet of tree roughage and grass...
oh shit... a fire in notre dame...
good grief... i didn't visit Paris for the notre dame...
twice... i visited Paris: for Paris...
but there was patty m (soccer mum
devilish impromptu with grief over my poo'em)...
when you are lowered to deal with the mediocre...
with soap opera drama...
with kangaroo courts... you sort of get a lobotomy
sensation... a canvas where you could
bypass editorial sensibilities...
over a quiff?!
mob rule: and the lady gets her luck...
in a life that is not governed by a familial sensibility...
there is no... new life... here...
i'm just putting the old life to bed...
whatever life this was... it ended aged 21...
in between 21 and circa 27: interview with psychosis -
i lost my soul - not for some materialistic gains...
i settled for a sort of explanation
a psychiatrist would give: to cover his tracks
and be left alone...
now... concerning the 12th of december...
i would vote... i'd only vote for the lesser of the two
evils: of which there are none...
within the confines of london there is not much
between the conservatives and labour...
why liberal democrats? i always wanted to vote for them...
but in this borough? chances are...
my vote is worth half a well soiled turd
and half a rock-hard sigh...
so... again: i'll abstain...
not because i won't get what i want...
but because the status quo is already in place...
zee wilhelm germans are entrenched in one
dug-out... and the glorious "avant-garde" of the british
empire are camped out in the opposite dug-out...
and...
so when life really turns out to be shit...
for some 50+ year old me...
i've hoarded enough music... some more vinyls to come...
books... yes... most read:
kept? i'm not so keen on wallpaper...
and... i'm no longer a teen to want posters of bands...
18th of december?
mother is going for a hip-replacement operation...
i'll be taking care of minor details in her life...
all these details: would be taken care of...
most probably... if she knew i was 33 and had
a wife and a child...
income for such a reality to be leveraged?
non-existent...
it sometimes bothers me: that it doesn't bother me...
i sometimes mix up feelings of utter helplessness
as a homeless man...
and that time i stood in the english chanel...
crawling from out of a cave in the dover rocks...
waiting to swim across it... completely mad...
later walking into town being escorted by about 10 children
who didn't bother to mention their curiosity
about why i was soaking wet...
my... if what happened to me aged 21...
later occupy my interim years aged in my 20s...
i actually don't know what i have missed...
there was never a career plan...
something chemistry riddled: perhaps yes,
chances are no... working with my father on a construction
site as a roofer... yes...
a regret fiancée? russian... which would never go down
well with the family...
however much i would try... no...
i'm no better and i'm not judging...
i could have been the guy she later consecrated
her union with... then divorced...
and in the meantime a chance visit let me find out
that she was cheating on him...
we sat in the same room...
me, her, and the guy she was fucking...
and 10 other people... and she was bemoaning
the "death of her brother"...
and... that one time when she did a noughty thing
and said: she's hallucinating speech-bubbles...
and... to have my grandfather ask me:
don't you regret? yeah... i regret...
i regret the happiness i experienced in the shortest
amount of time... the sex: i regret...
the petty quarrels that would lead to me sculpting
her and she sculpting me: i regret that i don't
regret when she said she would tattoo something
on my body... i regret that i couldn't escape
with the sort of life i led prior...
but i do know: that if psychosis didn't get in the way...
i would have to work in the construction
industry or the army for there to be no
breeder stigmata of flying solo...
and i can be candid about my psychosis -
not many people can say they went through it...
and not killed someone wielding an axe...
or some other misfortune...
in that: if this is a lie? well: the truth is much worse...
and i'm either ashamed of it...
or it takes biblical proportions (revelation 13:3) -
only the coroner would tell...
since either most people are in denial...
or... let's just say: i was a naive soul...
naiveness is my "original" sin...
and the truth is much worse than the easier story
people tell themselves... he went mad...
because of the children... he went mad because of
x, y and z... it's much easier...
i still wonder: what sort of i.q. prevents you from madness?
what a peacock's tail plethora of nouns we have
these days... concerning mild and major insanity?
a functioning madman with an o.c.d.
and that rampant one: left to his own devices?
- but i have never been... institutionalized...
not once bound to an asylum...
- what? something you'd rather read about...
my mother getting a hip-replacement surgery?
see you in the butcher shop buying lamb shanks with me...
no one still believes what happened to me
aged 21... if it is my shame of being naive...
then that same shame translates into, concerning all
the people surrounding the pockets of biography:
were we also so naive? to think that the worse of life
only happens on t.v.: for our, entertainment?
sadder truth... when it happens in a proximity...
i forget to mention that i didn't seek "justice"...
i once saw how "justice" progresses...
four friends walking home...
a car pulls up... a phone jackers jumps out...
grabs a phone... drives off...
three people in shock...
one tells them to note down the registration
of the car...
report is left at a police station...
everything seems pretty official...
prime 3rd part witness sits down for a mugshot
"catwalk"... the owner of the phone does the same...
weeks later...
the case goes to court...
owner of the phone doesn't match-up
the face of the thief to the mugshot...
the 3rd party witness does...
the 3rd part witness stands in court...
the defended is sitting in the court...
the defended's lawyer questions the witness...
shows him a photograph...
back in the day when photographs had
date in red stamps on them...
lawyer asks the witness whether he can identify
the defendent...
the witness replies: but this picture is over 2 years old...
this incident took place only a month or two ago...
if the bureucratic fudge-packing was any slower...
take a picture of me aged 21... wait 3 years...
and i'll probably be able to walk with a goatee
and not the sort of bum-fluff i'm walking around with now
(non-verbatim)...
the concern for justice... and truth...
and men passing laws: intra-homo...
not inter-homo...
gravity... sure as shit that's a failsafe mechanism
when two men stand on the ledge and attempt
to jump without a parachute...
passing law is like gambling...
i've seen it for my own eyes...
and... a guilty verdict will never be reached
when your only excuse is that:
you were naive... you were friends with this "someone"...
i know this same naive boy that became
a semi-man and now that he is a man:
has become... a recluse...
favorite, current pasttime - watching clouds...
2nd is probably crows perching on t.v. antenas...
the general curiosity of cats...
the act isn't excused - stated:
and you stated chemistry and this defendant had more
knowledge of chemistry than you?
you... trusted him?
children are allowed to be naive...
the older you get... there are no excuses...
until... you're close to 80 and dementia kicks in...
then you can be naive... again...
no wonder then... the recluse emerged...
if i can't trust one person: i can't trust any person...
but i remember a time when we could believe we were all good:
when we didn't want anything from each other:
other than each other's company...
i am guilty of being naive...
for that i will burn in hell with a blindening light...
like a god in heaven:
whover will want to speak to me,
in the grand infernal theatre
will come off blinded by my naive light...
i will sit among genocidial maniacs and share
their same burdens... because i was naive enough
to entrust myself with a notion of friendship
at the ripe age of 21...
i'm 33, now... and i'm not willing to budge on this notion...
now i like to summon people with which
i can share: a cordiality of informal social relationships...
where it's nothing grand as a friendship...
where it's more a case for: politeness...
such are the people around me now...
cameo roles within a b-movie cameo...
in which i am a cameo... stashed in the shadows
of books such as this one...
away from achilles blockbusters...
i am paying a dear price for being naive...
i should have learned it the first time...
when someone told me that if i dropped
a hamster from a light of stairs... it would:
"survive"... and the joke went on...
"oh... the hamster forgot to open its parachute"
the joke run...
there was a maxim by a woman i once knew:
you won't learn anything the first time,
second time? there's hope you will...
third time? there's no hope...
or... at least you failed this lesson in life...
we're all born with with but one lesson in life...
i've failed mine...
i sometimes wonder then:
how can you othewise: fall in love -
when you're not... naive?
naive enough to believe that the initial happiness
will last? my two exams over this one lesson?
i failed twice... if there is a third time?
i'll be dead / i'll kill...
but love is much more than succumbing to being
naive... it was the sort of naiveness that would
never becoming cunning -
since the first definition of naivness leads toward
cunning...
the second definition of naivness... leads toward
Tao... i am affected by the past:
within the confines of: when i think about it.
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