Marra Makinen

May 1, 2000 - San Diego
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Damn my soul and my body and my cells

How can I think that I am both,
A divine Daughter and a worthless combination of cells,
All at the same time
I can be happy and excited one second
And then cynical and nihilistic the next

I started taking these pills-
Doctor prescribed, of course
And I can’t tell whether they’re working like they’re supposed to-
By mending my body and healing my gut
Or if, instead, they’re targeting my brain
And making me have these convoluted and obscene thoughts
I feel I could become nihilistically impulsive with the flick of a switch
Or that I could instantly summit the capitalistic chain with a fantastic five-step plan
But then maybe these were thoughts that I had long before the pills,
The pills may not have changed a thing
But I don’t want to believe that I’ve always been this way-
That I’ve always favoured silence over the loudness of people,
That I’ve always found solace in the miserable things happening around me
I hate to think that I am this way!
It must be the pills
It must be
The pills are not working,
They’re poison
They’re simultaneously stitching my body back together,
But also damning my soul to a longer stint in this backwards, doomed space;
How can the pills be working if they sentence me to a longer stay on this damned planet-
Damn the planet and damn the pills
Damn my soul and my body and my cells

I’ll gag upon the physician’s hand that prescribes me more of these meagre capsules
And I’ll swear to never take them again.
But I might wake up one day
Perhaps again feeling more hopeful
And dive back deeper into the physician’s hand,
Begging for more pills to keep my gut intact
Help me!
Keep me whole
It’s worth it
I swear, it’s worth it
The pills work - they do, I promise
You’re meant to take up space,
You matter
Until you don’t
Until the pills start working again
And it’s a cycle that won’t stop spinning
You’re stuck here and you can’t leave-
So take the physician’s hand
And let them escort you to Judgement Day
It'll be upon us soon
And then none of it will matter
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