I miss me days of drinkin’
And all the joys of a wonderful life...
I ruined it all with a marriage
To an unforgivin’ and bitter wife...

I enjoyed me pints of Guinness
Often chasin’ them wit a dram of whiskey...
The more I drank, the braver I became,
Gettin better lookin’ and sometimes even frisky...

Then late one cool fall evenin’
I tried to sneak a wee sloppy kiss...
When all of a sudden I was layin’ flat on me back
Not realizin’ she was another man’s miss...

I jumped to me feet and shouted
“Do you have any idea who I am?”
This broad shouldered fellow just looked over to me and shouted
“I don’t really give a damn!”

“You come in here every night
And you drink yourself into a stupor...
And then you start actin like Peter O’Toole
Until I knock you flat on your pooper!”

“It was all just a big misunderstandin,”
I tried to explain to this large young man...
He replied, “If you mess with me girl one more time
I’ll put my boot in your scrawny little can!”

I suddenly had an epiphany
that me drinkin’ was gettin’ a bit much...
As I desperately tried to free me throat
away from this man’s tightenin’ clutch...

As the other men pulled this guy off me
And stopped him from splittin’ me head...
It suddenly dawned on me drunkin’ self
That is was past time for me to go to bed...

As I quietly slipped through me back door
And tiptoed slowly into me bed...
I suddenly felt a cold wet mop
Hit squarely across the back of me head...

It was at that moment I realized
I had better explain to the wife...
“That because I was defendin’ ye honor
That I had barely escaped with me life...”

She quickly said she was sorry
And pushed me achin’ head against her soft breast...
As I settled peacefully into me lady’s arms
And finally got a good night’s rest...

I have since sworn off the Guinness
And put me bottles of whiskey away...
I know longer fancy other men’s ladies
As me own wife becomes more tolerable each day...

I really don’t miss me drinkin’
Or comin’ home to get smacked by me wife...
For today me marriage is blissful
With all the joys of a wonderful life...

© 2020 Jeffrey Pipes Guice