The black outside
Reflects my heart
In this lonely, lonely night.
Because life goes forward
And it's gotten better
And I've forgot what it was like
The days I spent wanting to slash my flesh,
Resenting the world for being happier than me.
Those days are over
And my mind has shut all those thoughts out.
But tonight I remembered,
What happened last year.
The bomb, the tears, the fury,
I was stuck within myself
Like a fish inside a bowl.
Completely alone, swimming in my own tears.
Because the feelings I felt
Can't be described by the words.
No matter how hard I try,
The agony coursing through my veins
Can never be explained.
And I'm happy now
I've gotten better.
But lying in my bed tonight,
I remembered one year ago today.
The feeling of every second passing by in pain
Every beat of the clock marked a death of my soul
And sometimes I worry
That I will never be able to regain it back.
Because I try.
Every single god damn day I try to make it better
I try to make it right
But I can't fight off the feeling
That I am permanently scarred
There's a black mark on my soul, on my heart.
From the days one year ago
The unbelievable rage I felt at the world.
I hated everyone and everything for no reason at all
And in that time I said and did horrible things
That will plague me for the rest of my life
That will haunt me for the rest of my life
Because no matter how hard I try
I can't take back those years I spent
Writhing in fury
Under my own black heart.
And each day is a struggle
Because I can't help but wondering
Has the fire in my heart gone out?
And as the tears dropped to my pillow tonight
I grimaced and cried out into the night
Because I remembered the things that have happened.
The hospital, the blood, the tears, and the scars.
Scars I gained, scars I inflicted upon myself and my family.
And I still feel the guilt
Of the things I've done.
And each day
I can't help
But be frightened that one day it will come back
I wish I could say that I'm better now.
I wish I could honestly say that I'm happy.
I wish I could say that my life never feels like it's crumbling before my eyes.
I wish I could say I don't feel guilty.
I wish I could say I'm not ashamed.
But I am ashamed
And I am guilty
And sometimes the world does feel like it's crumbling down.
And I know I have to fight
But sometimes I don't want to fight.
Because tonight, in the darkness
I remembered the pain.
And it scares the shit out of me
That one day I will feel like that again.
Because I'm a fighter
But sometimes, fighters win battles but lose the war.